Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Lessons learned

All things in moderation... even moderation.

You see, I had a Very Bad Day recently. There wasn't any one thing or series of events that happened - like the car blew up and the house fell down. It was more like juggling and all the balls came crashing down at once.

Let me back up a little.

As many of you reading have noticed, I've been going through a LOT the past few months. It's all been for the greater good and have seen a lot of progress from it.

But it was a LOT to deal with, and yesterday, my mind, body and soul decided to say "Sc#*w you and the horse you rode in on. We've had it!"

Similar to juggling, things were going really well for a while, I was in a zone, I was focused, and I was making great strides - growing, stretching, implementing new habits, unlearning old ones, etc. Then I slipped - probably about the time I got sick. Either way, as generally happens when changes happen - voluntary or not - I got stressed about everything and the the mind started to recall The way Things Used to Be, and did what it could to get back to that place - it's "default" setting if you will.

That's where the struggle really started.

I started getting resentful of all the things I was doing (hence how Veruca escaped the other day), then I started rebelling - going from one extreme of 'abundance' (why /can't/ I have dessert after every. single. meal?!?!? But I /want/ to spend money on this random book that I've never heard of but have to have. Right now!) to other extreme of restricting/scarcity - declutter EVERYTHING! No spending at! all! No goodies for me!

Ok, that last bit isn't a bad thing, but it was on the verge of exercise and eating healthy becoming a punishment rather than something I was doing for the greater good.

The straw bale that broke the proverbial camel came during a conversation with the hubby. He was in a similar all or nothing mood but I was in the 'abundance' phase and he was in the 'restriction' phase.

It wasn't pretty.

But I needed it. I got it out of my system and got a little distance on the situation and saw the cause of the whole issue.

The 'slip' happened and I got scared. That fear triggered doubt and I got desperate. Even though I'd eased into the behaviors before, I wanted to get back to where I was right this second!

I know that changes and efforts borne out of desperation are short lived at best, and damaging to the body and mind at worst.

It brought out my perfectionist tendencies, my all-or-nothing thinking, and worst of all, I was seeing the bad in everything, especially in myself.

But I got over it... mostly. There's still the residual uneasiness that's lingering like a hangover (oh wait, that's the brownies! LOL!), and the lesson looming over me of practicing moderation in all things... even moderation: Change is difficult under the best situations but I need to take a break when I need it, loosen the reigns once in a while, tighten them the rest of the time.

Overall I will learn to rise every day to the challenges presented to me, and not being afraid to let myself shine (thanks for that reminder, Ramona! ;)


Heather said...

Oh wow. You say to me alot that we seem to be in similar places & yet again...we are!

I'm such an all or nothing kinda girl & have been really working to not be but it's soooooooo hard! I'm a planner, total Type A personality & the fiance is such a laid back "shit happens" kinda guy. Oh how I must drive him nuts!

Anyway, you do what you have to do. I used to call my Mom crying about health, weight & sobbing about "why can't I just eat like everyone else?" She'd simply say "you arent everyone else." Well, duh! lol

I'm rambling (typical) but hang in there girl. I know your frustrations & also know that you are a strong enough person to overcome!

So at risk of sounding like my Mom (though that's not a bad thing)...chin up & face the day with a smile even if you arent feeling it. I'm a firm believer in "fake it until you make it."

Cant hurt right? :)


Trainer T.s Fitness said...

You are such an inspirational writter I enjoy your blog so much.

Sometimes I think you are hitting it home with ME, and not just your other bloggers lol.

Keep it up!
Now the brownies...thats another thing..

Lady Rois said...

Heather - I'm in good company, then! And sorry you're going through the tough brain space stuff too... I've been working really hard at keeping my chin up and finding that balance between Type A & Type 'sit on the couch and let stuff happen' :) (I'm a Libra - I'm all about finding balance but it usually alludes me LOL!)

T - Thanks so much and no worries about the brownies. They're being 'donated' tomorrow to the fine people I work with. :)