Sunday, September 30, 2007

My thought for today...

Decided to start re-reading Body Clutter last night and started with the chapter on excuses. Interestingly, this is as far as I got the last time I read it. Go fig... I think it stopped me because I wasn't able to get beyond my own excuses, even though I'd done a lot of hard looking and thinking on it. But it was definitely what I needed to read last night.

In the chapter, they look at several 'popular' excuses - lies we tell ourselves to justify keeping ourselves where we are and not changing. There was one statement that really struck me, and it was under the excuse, "I am happy with me just the way I am"...

the statement was: "It is not a happy person who mistreats the _only_ body she has by not eating well."

Well, how's that for a slap of reality in the face? It really hit home, especially after I had just gotten home from a party and caught myself mindlessly snacking on chips because they were in close proximity... I even said to myself "Why am I eating these? they're not even that great." But yet I continued to snag a few at a time through out the evening.

Definitely something to keep in mind as I make choices through out the days, weeks, years. Is the food I'm eating worthy of the *only* body I have? I mean, yeah, I'd love to trade it in for a new one, but this is the only body I will have... and how good of care am I taking of it?

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Friday, September 21, 2007

Stepping out on faith

Using some FlyLady terminology, I need to step out of my own head, out of my own way, and ask for some help from the PTB to reach my goals.

Finally put a little bit of thought into my goals and what I *really* want... I REALLY want to be out of debt. I have about $20K of debt looming over me, and a lot of it's been hanging around for a while. I did a bit of posting about it and it think it's do-able. It's a little generic and an overall plan, and I need to spend time thinking of how to break it down into day to day baby steps.

now I need to do that for my weight goals. Those I'm good at babystepping, and I generally know what to do, but think it's time to make a concrete plan. I need to do this for my health, yadayaddayadda... but my inner brat wants to look hot in her pretty dress for the weddin', ya know. ;)

So here's my 5 babystepping goals for October:
1) Monday-Friday use the SP meal suggestion list for breakfast, lunch and snacks
2) S-Th cook dinner at home using the Body Clutter MM (basically any night I'd be going to work the next day
3) Cook dinner at home at least once on the weekend.
4) M-F track food on SP
5) Read an encouraging/inspiring email/story whatever.

I feel like I'm going back to stage 1, but maybe that's not such a bad idea... I'm focusing on the food aspect first because it's something I've already got routines semi-established, and it's something that's do-able right now. I'll add exercise in where I can, but for now, this is better. :)

the faith part comes from letting go of the worry that I'm not going to have enough to eat. That is just silly because it's not true. I need to come to terms with giving myself *enough*, not *more* than enough.

UPDATE: so I offically changed myself back to Stage 1. It's not a step back, it's actually a step forward becuse I'm re-teaching myself the habits that i need to succeed and be healthy.

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Yay for Friday!

Yep... I is carrying lots of *somethin* in my belly region.

Things are going a little better at home... mom has *sort of* settled down and I've basically resigned to the fact that I'm a total weenie... I'm thirtymumblemuble and can't have a heart to heart with my mother. I'm having the feeling that she likes the *idea* of my honey, and me being happy and us getting married, but she doesn't like the reality of it. ::shrug:: not sure what to do about it.

One thing that always happens about this point in their visit: I renew my goals and my determination for getting healthy and losing weight. We eat out a lot, there's always junk around, and I don't do much in general. the result: feeling and getting even more fluffy. :P no like that.

So I remind myself of what I *really* want (from back on the 13th):

Note to self and Veruca:


You really want a clutter free home


You really want to weigh 155!


You really want to be positive and full of energy!

(and a new addition) Remember!

You want to be debt free in 2-3 years!

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Just a quicky...

So we got the Mr-less Muggins home last night. Poor guy was all sorts of tired and sore. Watching him walk around with his shaved butt and swolled bits was pitiful, but highly amusing, of course. Not gonna take a picture of it to post... was tempted, but not gonna do it. :P He took a good nap while the 'rents & I were at dinner and seemed to perk up after that - had food & water and was fairly playful, and was extra snuggy last night. Sorta like "I sorry for whatever I did that made you punish me like that.. I not do again, k? thx bai." Missy's been hissing at him but I'm sure he smells funny, so she should get over it soon-ish.

Yeah... so mom & dad's visit is going... dad's totally enjoying the weather and taking long bike rides... mom is... well. mom. nuf said. I'm at the point in the visit, though, where I'm back on the 'omg need to get back on healthy lifestyle track again'... lots of sweets, lots of eating out, lots of stress, lots of not doing much. Takin' it's toll... and I'm getting too old - starting to have acidy tummy issues from eating out too much. :P I'm sure the tummy issues are also stemming from the stress of dealing with mom. erg. Yes. I'm a total weenie, thanks. Maybe I'll get over it one of these days.

So, couple of plans ruminating in my brain... it's part of the 'discipline is remembering what you *really* want... and I *really* want 1) to weigh at least 30-40# less in the next 8 months, and 2) be debt free in the next 2-3 years...

For the first one... have some general outlines but haven't formulated any sort of concrete plan... that will come later.

For the 2nd one, here's my thinkin:

1) After signing all the re-fi docs and stuff, call broker to cash out one of my accounts. that'll give me $$ to pay off one card totally, pay off my medical bill and re-pay N for the closing costs. Any extra goes in to wedding fund.

2) Keep chipping away at the one card till the '08 taxes come in. Any refund goes to paying that one off. '07 refund goes to paying for the wedding/honeymoon.

3) Ditto for the next couple years tax refunds - goes to paying down the cards... In theory, should be done with the debt in about 3 years. ::fingers crossed::

Thursday, September 13, 2007

A PTB Flick in the head

I have been so frustrated lately... feeling really lumpy, like all the fat is literally *hanging* on me... ya know, in that Disney's Ursula the Sea Witch kind of way - all roll-y & undulating... bleh. And then frustrated because I haven't gone for my walks at lunch either because something else was going on or I chose not to. erg...

then I got this in my email from "Discipline
is remembering what you really want! So, as you start to
step over the shoes in the hall, remember you really
want a clutter free home. As you go down the cookie isle
at the grocery store remember sugar is not good for you
and you really want to lose that weight. When you start
to complain remember you really want to be positive."

::grumble:: fine...

Note to self and Veruca:


You really want a clutter free home


You really want to weigh 155!


You really want to be positive and full of energy!

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Tuesday, September 11, 2007


I've gotten a couple of 'daily meditation' type things today and they've all related to change: Change is normal, change is good. Yes it can be stressful, but this too will pass, you'll make it through, etc.

It's interesting to get these things today. It's a day when, 6 years ago, our little world changed. Our concept of home, of safety, of security, crashed to the ground with 3 planes and 2.5 buildings.

But today, I feel that this too has passed. Granted I don't watch/read/listen to the news so I don't know if it was discussed at all, but I looked at the calendar, and today is just another number in a box on the calendar. No 'Patriot's Day' or whatever it was being called, no marker of a violent, turbulent time that happened. Meetings were scheduled for today with no more than a passing thought of, "oh... Sept. 11th.... ::send::" My parents are coming for a visit and there was a fleeting 'whew, they're not traveling on the 11th' then I forgot about it.

We've made it through, and this too has passed. We had life completely disrupted, it was uncomfortable for a while, but we adapted, and got comfortable again. No, we haven't completely forgotten, but it's a little further back in our memories, shuffled there because we have to deal with the here and now; dealing with the petty things that make life aggravating, or the small moments that make us smile.

I had one of the latter moments this morning. N and I took some time to remember our lives in that moment in time. Remember those that were lost that day and after, those that were involved, that were touched. We also took a moment to think of those that are continuing the fight against those that oppress us and others, even though most days it's hard to remember what they're fighting for. We also were reminded of what truly matters and is important. It made me happy to be where I was, and grateful for the wonderful people in my life that are my friends and family, and very grateful I found a man to share my life with. When things go wrong in my life, when there's issues that come up from other people, it's so easy to get self absorbed and focus on that and hold onto the anger, bad feelings, whatever. I harbour my own resentments, angst, grudges, etc. In general it's not healthy, but it's also not important. I think it's interesting that Rosh Hashanah begins tomorrow. No, not Jewish, but it's a time of letting go, releasing your sins and self examination. Am I living *my* best life? Not what or how someone else thinks I should be living my life, but is it best for *me*? Over the past year, I think I've grown a lot in respects to that... starting to live *my* life instead of the life I think other people think I should be living, and letting go of that perception. It's hard to let go of, but is for the greater good.

The best email I got was from FlyLady this morning, and I think it sums it up very well. It's not about the American Patriotic verve, but more about the human spirit...

"Dear Friends,

Today is not just about the United States memorizing the people who
died in the attacks of September 11th. Everyone around the world has
been hurt by those senseless acts terrorism, other terrorist activity
and even the threat of terrorism.

I for one will not allow those bad people to change the way I live
each day. I am thankful for the men and women around the world who
keep a vigilant eye on our safety: First Responders, Fire Fighters,
Police Officers, Airport Security Screeners and the military personal
serving their countries. It is not just these people who need our
appreciation. It is all of us. Each of us walk though our lives with
air of alertness now.

We can be watchful without living in fear. The name terrorist is
synonymous with putting fear into hearts. Fear is the opposite of
love. I believe this with all my heart. Today as our own special
memorial I would like for you to spread a little love around your part
of this great big world. We like to call it Paying It Forward. If you
have not watched this movie then rent it. It has a powerful message.
If you have the movie, watch it again.

Small random acts of kindness are more powerful than evil. We can
change the world with these simple actions of love. Actions speak
louder than words. Today there will be speeches by many people in the
public eye giving thanks to the heroes of September 11th Tragedies. We
should not forget these folks but the best memorial we can give to
them is a loving action done from the goodness of our hearts. "

Friday, September 7, 2007

My little a-ha moment

Had lots of stuff hit me all at once , and the realizations aren't quite fully formed but I had the 'oh yeah... duh' moments.

One of those is that I've been feeling fat. Ok, that's not so enlightening, but it hit me that it's because I *am* fat... not in the degrating/berating way. Just in the matter of fact, look at the BMI and regular scale and it's obvious way. I've gained some weight, and I've been feeling every ounce of it, and it's really not good. Get winded easier because I haven't been exercising consistantly and am carrying around at least 50# more than I should be. And my clothes aren't fitting well, so it makes me feel even huge-er and unattractive...

Then the 2nd realization hit me... I'd been ruminating about how, when you're in a good mood & life is going pretty good, it's a lot easier to do things that are beneficial for yourself - exercising, eating right, cleaning house, being social - it's almost like the planets are in the most productive allignment and all is good with the world. Then IT happens... not sure what IT is, but it's like juggling 10 balls, and all of a sudden one of them falls out of sync and everything comes crashing down. And then every little thing becomes _so hard_. It's a struggle to get out of bed, let alone fold laundry, go for a walk, go grocery shopping.

Then I got IT... It's not because things all of a sudden become difficult. They're the same activities that they were before. It's the perception that changed. One thing went out of wack, the happy shiney bubble burst and the blahs set it. Once that happens, the perception of the activities changes from 'tralala it needs to be done so no big' to 'OMG this is a CHORE!' Our internal dialog changes accordingly, too.

Instead of 'wow, I feel good when I walk, lets do it again!' or "look how pretty the living room is when I straighten it!" or... you get the idea... we're now telling ourselves "this place is a mess! Gad I hate it! I *have* to clean it!" or "I am sooo fat! I have to get my butt in gear and work out." Not only are we knocking ourselves down, we're also making the activity a punishment.

o_O Wow...

As a long time FlyBaby, I'm constantly reading "if it isn't _fun_, it won't get done"... if you make doing the dishes a punishment, of course your going to procrastinate and loathe doing them. If exercise is a punishment, why would you spring out of bed to do it?!

Since identifying the problem is half the battle, that was the easy part. Now comes the interesting challenge of finding the fun me again. I know she's in there, just gotta find her and have her come out to play. :)

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