Thursday, May 31, 2007

Bestest laid plans

Well...the visit to the doctors didn't go quite as planned. Instead of getting my IUD out, it may end up being a lot more complicated than I planned. Turns out the string either fell off the device, or was trimmed a little *too* short and decided to hide inside me somewhere.


I get to go in for an ultrasound in couple weeks and then talk with the doctor the week after that about my options... basically it sounds like the options are a 'fishing for IUD' expedition, or, worst case, surgery.

Well... poo.

The debate now is, if it's surgical, do I have them tie my tubes in the process... or do I have them tied regardless? The purpose of the removal was to get my body functioning again on it's own, and know when the proper time to use the progesterone cream is to offset the estrogen in my system. Either way I'll have to track ovulation, but it wouldn't be as... crucial... to do so. So... yeah... not sure what to do.

Also had a good chuckle with the NP trying to explaining how easy it is to do FAM/NFP... just chart your cycles and you ovulate around day 14 so just use protection then... Had to bite my tongue cuz Veruca wanted to ask her if she knew what they called women who use that method? Mothers. Sorry, the only 'rythmn' method that works is 'slow, slow, faster faster oooooh yeah'. :P


ETA: I keep pondering the 'to tie or not to tie' debate, but realized it's bigger than that and it goes back to what I"m going through health wise. If I'm going to be healthy and actually take charge/control of my health, then I need to work at it. It's not always going to be easy, it's not going to give me instant results, and it will require work, but it will be, in the long run, much more worth while and rewarding because I will be healthy and in touch with my body.

I think that the most daunting task with this is the work, and my self confidence about the work. I mean, if i miss a supplement one day, it's not that big of a deal, but if I miss a day of charting/observing/whatever, then it could have bigger consequences. But then again, I'll still have to chart/observe to know when to use the, since the estrogen dominance will most likely still be a problem either way.

I guess I've made my mind up to stick with the FAM plan... gonna run to B & N to pick up a book and start reading it. And at least now I have a little bit more time to learn and be comfortable with the decision.

New baby!!!

So, the PTB decided that it was time for us to get another kitten... or rather have another kitten have us.

His name is Mr. Muggins... although I've been calling him Mugsy, Mr. Muggles, and Mr. Woogums - annoys the Honey and probably confuses the kitten. ;)

We kinda didn't have a choice about getting him. On the way to get me Tuesday, a guy came up the car and asked Orion if he could get a ride... no... ummm... wanna buy a cat... no.... ::thrusts cat in car:: here, then just take it off my hands ::mewhelpmemew:: ok.

So we are now the proud people to a cute little fluffer.

He's been checked at the vets and is fine - had a couple of flea's but otherwise in good health and FLV neg. The other kittens are soooo not happy with us at the moment, but hope it passes... And it's been so long since I've been around kittens that i forget what it's like - sorta like little kids: playplayplayplaypl...a... zzzzzzzzzz..... O_O playplayplayplayplayplayp....zzzzzz... repeat. He's still relegated to the downstairs bathroom when we're gone or for sleeping purposes for the time being and we'll work on the integration next week.

But yeah... he's a cutiebutt. :)

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Tuesday, May 29, 2007


Just had to post these... too funny

Makes me want to tipe bad.


So we've been doing the cleanse thing for a couple weeks now, and I've also started taking the acidopholos, but it seems like my tummy issues have been getting worse, and feeling mildly flu-like of late. Seems like around 5-ish, my tummy starts getting very bloated and uncomfortable, a couple of times I've had pain similar to my gallstones, but since I don't have a gallbladder, I know it's not that. Then during the day I have been having a slightly 'splodie belly.

I've noticed the last few days that I've been having that fever-but-chilled feeling. Like I was comfy in the house, but the slightest breeze made me all shivery in a not so comfy way... and my temp over about 5 days has been between 96.4-96.8 which could be normal, but also could be way low... not sure. I emailed my Naturopath about it, and I know when I was looking at the possiblity of having hypothyroid, that's one of the symptoms. Also thinking it could be a slight IBS thing... need to start with the yoga/meditation/relaxing thing again... actually both the Honey & I need to do that.

Worry wart...

I've gotten 3 messages this morning from various sources - quotes, motivation, etc.- basically telling me the dangers of worry, and how it steals joy and energy from today. Obviously someone's trying to tell me smething... but darn it all, I'm good at worrying! :P I got in some good practice this weekend, too.

And speaking of the worrying, I am a bit about tomorrow and beyond... tomorrow is my Dr. appt to get this thingy taken out. looking forward to my body getting to work on it's own, and being able to observe what's happening, but there's that one 'side effect' if we're not careful.

Monday, May 28, 2007

General update

Ok... really, really wondering if the cramping is ever going to ammount to anything. Bleh. Tired of it.

Otherwise, seem to be doing ok. Wondering where my vitamins are cuz I'm almost out of all of them. Also still feeling totally wiped out by the end of the day, and tummy not happy with me at all by then. Switching my acidopholis to morning and afternoon so maybe by the end of the day it'll help... This whole being concious of my health all the time is good, but it's a lot of work.

Happy Memorial Day

Yep... so today's a holiday. Whee. I've actually gotten a lot accomplished this weekend - got the storage room mostly cleaned out and straightened, the downstairs closet cleaned out and just need to move some other stuff in there. The Craft room/office has been emptied mostly, and we got a new desk. Got rid of the old one - that was easy moving it down stairs and out to the back... but the new one, which was a gonga deal at a garage sale, and a fancy corner unit to boot, that was a pain in the leg, back, head and arms. OMG ow... pinched, poked, scraped and banged myself many times getting the parts up the stairs anda even more so putting it together. I coulda waited till Orion got home tonight, but wanted to get the computer back up and running. heh, and need to go back to the place I got the desk from and get the rest of the hardware. It's mostly stable right now, but not wanting to move it around too much.

Also got a lacing made for my dress for this weekend, and cut the sleeves out. And got the thread to do embroidery on another dress... which will keep me occupied at the Collegium, me thinks.

Now the decision needs to be made to stay home, and keep working on stuff - including coloring my hair, doing some sewing and cleaning that *really* needs toi be done - or go to my friends house for a get together both he & I forgot about. Erg... dunno. Get togethers are nice, but already feeling totally pooped. Thing that worries me is that I've been getting awful tummy issues in teh afternoon/evening, and really not wanting to me somewhere that I can get comfy. Also been totally wiped out at the end of the day.

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Friday, May 25, 2007


I keep thinking about the cycle of connection/spirituality/awareness that I go through. Sometimes my senses are heightened and I feel very connected to myself, the earth, people around me. Other times I close myself off and feel very alone.

Was talking with the roomie last night about how frustrating it can be when we really start taking care ourselves, we end up finding out somethings wrong with us - thyroid, PCOS, chronic fatigue, etc. But those problems were always there, we just chose to accept them as normal, and they were until we took the time to be aware of ourselves and our bodies.

I keep thinking about how I feel with the choice of taking on the challenge of fertility awareness, and it keeps going to a mother earth-y/goddess type place... And I feel like that's just stoopid, I'm not that kind of person, it's based on science and yadda yadda yadda... then again, what's so bad about feeling that? There must be a reason, and when I think about it, it's about connecting with the most spiritual temple we all have - our bodies. The more self aware I am, and connected with that temple, the calmer and happier I am. I for one can't find anything wrong with that. Heck, I might even go dancing nekked in the forest... after having lots of tequilla of course. ;)

Much better

Amazing what a 3 hour nap and sleeping all night will do for your general outlook and well being. Totally felt like I had a touch of the flu yesterday - tummy issues, felt like I had a fever, that kind of thing. Luckily the kittens were there to help sleep me, and after a little tossing & turning, and putting a movie, I was out like a light. Felt tons better when I woke up, and had a lovely evening out with friends... had a little beer, but my tummy only moderately thrilled about it.

Anywho, with the whole cranky tiredness yesterday, I was sooo close to saying f--- all y'all about the whole FAM/Natural BC stuff. I was so frustrated, annoyed and confused by the one book I want/ed to give up. I mean, it presented things like 'it's so easy a mOnkey can do it!' I was like 'hello! I'm a mOnkey, and I can't figure out WTF you're talking about.' I'm really concerned about how wonky my cycles are going to be for a while so how am I supposed to keep track, know when I'm fertile or not, and that whole thing. So yeah... frustrated and wanting an easy fix. I'd found a FAM/NFP group on Yahoo (go figure) and felt a little better after reading some of the archive stuff, but again annoyed that it'd been a couple days and my post still hadn't been approved. ::grumble grumble::

But then I napped, I had a chance to talk with the Honey about some of my concerns and he's being understanding about it... then this morning I got 2 awesome emails in response to the posts I'd make, and am feeling a lot more comfortable with stuff in general. I'm going to talk with my doctor's office to see if they do any courses on FAM so I can ask questions, and fill in any gaps. If they don't there's another option - Reed's Compounding Pharmacy has someone who is certified in that, so yay for plan B. And I just need to relax. It'll get easier, I know. It's the whole time/learning curve/etc. thing.

Also have a list-o-things to do this weekend. Was gonna go through the whole house and do a massive decluttering weekend, but decided to work on three trouble areas: The downstairs closet, the storage room, and the craft room. I"m thinking once those areas are dealt with, it will help with some of the living room/dining room clutter, and make the craft room/office easier to be in and use. Got my handy-dandy timer to help me out, and my iPod.

Other projects include cutting out sleeves for my blue dress, sewing those on, and finishing the hem; cutting skirt out of black linen & maybe putting it together; cutting out viking out of purple linen and starting on embroidery. Oh, and making up a form for A & S teachers/classes

Getting together with mOnkey on Sunday to talk about the Southwind stuff, and maybe going to JoAnn's and getting more white linen-ish stuff.

Yeah, think that's enough for the weekend. :)

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

That's it...

I feel old. Star Wars is 30 years old this week. Which means that I'm older than that...

*sigh* I remember having the huge crush on Luke Skywalker... his boy next door charm, his blue eyes, blonde hair, and dimpled chin... Boy was I a dork. As I've grown up, I've realized that the blondes are cute and all, but I've definitely come to appreciate the dangerous yumminess of Han Solo...

Either way, I remember sitting in a crowded theater with my parents - one of the few times we all three went together - waiting for this new epic movie to be shown... and how it lingered in my mind for years afterwards. The effects! The costuming! WTF Cinnamonbunhead?! The ideas and ideals. Good vs. Evil, but in the shades of grey manner. It spurred the imagination, made the mind look to the stars and wonder what really was 'out there'. It also made us look closer to home to see what lessons a distant galaxy could teach us.

I know that Matell or whoever made the figurines made a mint off of my parents - I had soooo many of the figures, cars, cases, games... I still have a whoooole mess of them, and if I could make any money off of eBay from them, I would... but they were more than lovingly used so there's little market for them, me thinks.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007


I got a book from the library on the whole natural b/c method, and I've got another one on the way. It mentions that some places offer classes so being industrious, I decided to see if any were taught in town...

Apparently, looking for resources on natural family planning means 1) you have no money [ie, lots of listings for pima co. health services], 2) you are catholic and therefor damned for wanting to have sex, or 3) needing an abortion. And somehow, amidst the planned parenthood listings, Golf & Stuff was included. WTF?!

In other news

Just feeling really blah and tired. The whole tummy crampage has mostly subsided, and nothing to show for it. Whee... going to get the progesterone cream at lunch and we'll see how that works out. Won't be able to tell much till after things get removed, but hopefully in a few weeks I will be able to tell the difference. ::fingers crossed::


I am my alter-ego: "Cat Guuurrrrlll" My little hairsticks are making it look like anime cat ears pokin' over my head. It amused me muchly and even provoded a 'flick' from the Honey... I felt very accomplished. :)

So yeah, today - really, really tired. Annoyed at my body - was doing great last week and weekend so I probably over did and now am paying for it. I do really good for a while, then ::crash:: It doesn't help that I haven't been able to sleep well the last few nights, either. *sigh* but I"m being good at taking my stuff from D. and waiting for my vitamins to arrive...hates the waiting.

I've got a hugemongous list of things that need to be done around the house, not to mention finishing up the dress that was started forever ago to wear next weekend. And I've got an idea for yet another dress to start... was going to use the linen to make a skirt for work, but now have a better idea. :) ::mwaahahaha::

My horoscopes of late have been very interesting. This morning I got: "Sweet romantic memories will get your creative juices flowing. Plan some travel." Considering the Honey & I were discussing the whole f-it, lets go to vegas thing this morning... eeks.

Then he sent me: "Your peers may judge you harshly today, but don't take any criticism in an overly personal manner. Others are likely being more supportive than you realize. They are telling you what they think you need to know in order to be a better person. Listen with an open heart; save your defensive posturing for when you need it. " Yep... the PTB are flicking me in the head...with a frying pan. ::ow:: Fine! I'm listening. I'm taking care of myself. I'm playing my own game, not other peoples. Really... so enough with the flickage.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Whee... it's Monday

Yep... Monday again. Had trouble getting to sleep last night and it was so frustrating, especially since I was exhausted during the day. So it was extra hard to get up this morning. *sigh* But here i am, and looking forward to a 3 day weekend.

Randomness... Want one for work. But they don't have a kitty like mine, darn it.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

For real this time...

So my first offical, real post on Zoundry...

I'm such a chicken s---. had my mom on the phone, she was in a semi-sympathetic mood... and I totally let it go. I know what I need to say, but I just hate the whole process of confrontation even when it's not that confrontational. Bleh.

Well, guess I best get out and do some shopping before my energy totally poops out. Need to go to Sam's, then to Food City, then grab some lunch with the Honey and finish up shopping. Lots I wanna do around the house but not sure if that'll get done or not. *sigh*


Oh... this is too cool! Found a Beta software from and I can post now to LJ & Blogger from one program. Schweet! now if I can get it at work, we'll be *all* set!

Getting some of the particulars worked out, and it's so way cool cuz I can edit to... whee!!!

Friday, May 18, 2007

Very fitting

Trying to please others today may prove to be a fruitless task, as everyone seems to have their own agenda, which might not include your perspective. Your first reaction could be to try to bring them over to your point of view. Examine your motives before you set out on this course of action, for your involvement may not be necessary for anyone's well-being except your own.
Friday, May 18, 2007

This pretty much sums up both horrorscopes I got today... and interestingly it's made me think a lot of my mom. It's been difficult of late to talk with her... as a friend summed up, she's being a s--t, and we're both incredibly stubborn, so neither of us is goin to back down, at least not be the first one to back down.

I've been thinking about the phone conversations we've had since I told her N & I set the date. They've either completely avoided any discussion of N or, if he's mentioned it's in passing or is met with a disapproving/dissappointed attitude from her. I couldn't figure out what it was that was really bugging me, but then Veruca helped me out - she's totally acting like a brat. She has had an idea in her head of what (and possibly who) she wanted me to have for the rest of my life... and this isn't fitting anywhere near that perfectionist ideal that she has. Me owning a house... maybe. Me being happy, definitley. Me having good friends and people that love me... absolutely. But finding someone that I can love and can love me back, someone who makes me happy and is a joy [most times;) ] to wake up to, someone I am choosing to spend the rest of my days with... not so much. Yes, she'd want the happiness of it for me, but for me to find that person, especially one that doesn't fit with her ideal of who I should be with, would mean I don't need her anymore.

Well, ya know what, she's wrong. And right. I don't need her in the same way I did - as the first person to call when something was wrong (like the frantically hysterical call in the the middle of the night when I found blood in Patita's stool), or when something went really well (yay! Got a job! yay! got a house!) N has replaced her in that role - we're building a life of memories that are good and bad, and we're the front line when ever anything big or small happens. But it doesn't mean that I don't need my mom still... I need her in many different ways. I need her to be supportive; to trust that she raised me well, instilling me with love, gratitude, confidence, and humor, not to mention a strong will when I have to; to worry for me when I don't have the sense to; to renew her relationship with her husband and embrace the transition back to wife and woman, and loosen up a little on the mom role; to be part of this phase in my life that's new and exciting, not to mention a lot scary.

It wasn't like I really expected her to jump for joy when I told her I was getting married, or that we set the date. What I was hoping for was happiness for me, a little excitement, and maybe wanting to be involved in the process a little. Instead, whenever it's hinted at, it makes me feel like I've become a total failure in her eyes because I'm walking on my own path instead of the one that she wanted to choose for me, all the while praising me for my individuality, my strength, my courage.

It all leaves me feeling very empty, feeling that she's chosing to avoid/ignore/forget this part of her life now, leaving me slightly alone in the world. But I also know that it's not anything that I can change for her, any more than she can change me. I want to talk to her, but I don't even know what I would say.

But that's a different plan for a different time. I'd best be off to make dinner.


The PTB are doing it again... lots of flicks in the head this morning... at least to my Honey. The stuff for is really coming together and with a possible/probable launch date to correspond with the release of Pirates III, could be one hell of a ride!

Thursday, May 17, 2007

I forgot...

The fourth 'facing the fear' is us moving ahead on the website, and basically committing a lot of money to go out in a short ammount of time. Eeks.

Feeling the fear...

A'int that the truth?!:

"Conquering your fears through actionLife brings with it many doubts and fears. But the unknown and the untried have held more people back than any lack of ability. Most successes are never seen because they're never attempted. The courage to face your fears can build momentum that creates magic. Each time you overcome an obstacle, a fear or a step back, you gain confidence. Every small victory helps you feel more certain of yourself and your direction, pushing you further and faster than you ever thought possible. You can do it! What's holding you back? True, fears are intimidating. So start small. Believe in yourself and take one small swipe at your fear today just to see what happens. If you can't talk yourself past the "point of no return", get a friend to help. In the end, half of the doing is in the deciding. If you stumble, don't be afraid to brush yourself off and jump back in. "

That was my Sparkpeople healthy reflection for today... pretty fitting with all the stuff going on.

So the first thing - I made the appt. with the GYN to get the IUD removed. Talk about feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Really not sure about it all, but it's something that needs to be done for me to have a fighting chance with my improving my health. 5/30/07 is the day.

Secondly - speaking of health, heard from D about my adrenal test results. It's simultaneously reassuring and distrubing to have her ask me, "How do you get out of bed in the morning?!?!" Apparently I'm just above comatose in the afternoons and evenings... well, yeah, I knew that, but I didn't think it was *that* bad. It does help me feel vindicated about some stuff - my thyroid levels, the whole weight gain, and not being able to get up in the morning. Guess I need to cut myself a little slack.

Third - I made a plan to wean myself off of my other meds in the next couple of weeks, and just placed a $50 order for vitamins that help support the different stuff going on, instead of renewing my Rx for the antidepressants.

I was sharing some of the info about my test and the supplements with a co-worker, and another co-worker kind of rolled her eyes at the mention of holistic/nautropathic, and muttered something about 'don't take on an illness that you dont' have'... I got offended, but really didn't want to give in to it - not the time or place. I know it's not the popular way of thinking, and some times it's really just about people being weird, or thinking that holistic medicine can cure everything... I know that's not the case, and even D commented that she's had people in that she's refered directly to a cardiologist or other specialist because there's things you just can't fix without that sort of help. The problem is that people who are doing either extreme are only taking care of 1/2 the problem. It's all about balance.

I've always had a preference for a more natural way of treating things, but the last several years, I've been very dependant on a medical/western approach to my health and looking for the easy band-aid fix it provides. Unfortunaltey, the band-aid fell off and wouldn't go back on. So after trying to get a new one, I realized that it's really up to me to take care of myself, and it means going on a non-traditional path. I was set on that path during a chance conversation with someone in the lunch room, and it's proven to be very fruitful. I feel like I'm on the way to healing my body, instead of just fixing this or that. And I also feel like I'm finally getting back in touch with my body, waking up to the small cues it gives me, and increasing my awareness in general of what's going on around and in myself...

...and what's going on is still cramping. Erg. Mostly on the left side, but sorta moving to general owies. But otherwise I feel really good. Like being satisified after I eat something instead of looking for the next thing to munch on, or drinking the purified water cuz the other stuff tastes icky... or prefering the taste of white tea over coffee... it's still good, but just not needing it as much. Although I needed some this morning - was extra tired after having some interruptions last night - but I've noticed that I'm perked up easier after I'm up and moving. The detoxing is going good, too... down another pound and, more importantly, not feeling so bloated and sluggish.

So yeah, feeling all 'love your body/embrace your spirit/new agey/woman power/etc.', and I go through my phases of increased spirituality... I guess this is one of them. The nice thing at times like this is a sense of calm and confidence I get. I'm sure it'll pass, and I'm sure I'll be back, but I'm definitley enjoying it right now. It's very freeing to make my own decisions about my health, and doing things to support my body instead of suppress it. Think that's a big part of it. And also knowing the responsibility of making those decisions is having to be in tune with my health so that I know what needs to be changed/enhanced/added/etc. This why most traditional doctors don't want to do treatment this way - it's too much work.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Happy fun times!

So looks like the website thingie is a go... after talking and plotting and planning, Phase II of the is taking off... I feel like we're doing it much smarter this time instead of 'kewl, lets play with this'... we were talking this morning how cool it'd be buy the townhome next door where the one set of annoying neighbors lives and turn that into a guest house/office and convert the other bedrooms in our place into a media center/library/uber crafty rooms. Gets me all giddy and happy thinking of stuff we can do like that. :)

Ow... quit it w/a little TMI thrown in

Since I haven't been keeping much track of this kind of thing, figured I'd start now... having major cramping/pain in my left ovary area. Really annoying and hurts. Not sure if it's a cyst thing, or if it's me actually ovulating or trying to ovulate... sorta like uuuungh... uuunngh... can't. move. egg. Get out, damn egg... out.

Or it's just me being silly. ;)

Either way, must track and record these kind of things if I'm gonna be going natural soon. On a slightly random side note, the planned parenthood site is blocked at work. Not that I should be doing that kind of research at work, but still, odd.

The detoxiness is going pretty good... was down about a pound today. Also noticing that things are tasting a lot more intense. Like the coffee was good, but not quite what my body wanted. And the water at home (think the filter needs to be changed) and at work out of the machine taste all funky. Tea is good, though, and the eggy cheesy sammich this morning. NUM! Want another one, actually. *sigh*

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

It's a Tu-Monday...

Had a great weekend with my honey celebrating our 1 year anniversary - amazing to me that it's going so well, when, for either of us, by this point we've already been broken up with someone, or about ready to... just keeps getting better every day. I took yesterday off from work and needed it in many ways. Mainly it was because of the appointment with D. The Naturopath in the afternoon, but also to spend more time with the Honey and get one more day of sleeping/relaxing. Was interesting - I didn't necessarily sleep in a lot later than usual, but because I didn't have to get up at a set time and/or rush around, I woke up on my own and felt more rested as a result.

Was very helpful talking with D., though. While I kind of wanted to leave there with a nice, formal plan of 'take this, eat that, don't eat that other thing', I didn't. But we did get more physiological information on what's going on in our bodies... Honey & I both are being treated for similar things, although the reproductive issues are all mine... he can't have 'em. ::giggle:: We did get from her 2 detox things - one for the liver, and one as an overall cleanser. We started one last night, and then took the other this morning and it's probably all psychosomatic, but I seriously feel like it's started working - kind of having a body purging stuff/slightly achey/flu-ish feeling, coupled with the craving to eat fruits & veggies. Yes, the heat has something to do with it, I don't want anything too heavy to eat, but the brain's been going there before 'ooh chocolate!' Like bad stuff is getting cleared out and the body is recognizing what it needs. - turns out the Honey's going through the same thing.

I'll have to keep track of how things go day to day. I'm glad it's a fairly gentle cleansing, as thats a healthier way of doing it - ridding the body of the excess instead of everything - but it's interesting since I haven't done something like this before. Need to get better vitamins, too.

Also starting with one problem first, then addressing the other ones: Adrenal/thyroid issues first while getting off the antidepressants, belly stuff after that, then reproductive things last. It's a journey instead of a quick stop - I need to remember that - but want to feel better now, darn it.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Feel the power...

Apparently I have a lot of it, but it's over other people, not myself:

Thursday, May 10th, 2007 PST

Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 22)
It's not that you have to keep anything secret; it's just that you really don't need to show all of your desires. Your heightened intensity now may scare someone away, having an effect that's very different from your intention. As you struggle with the inevitability of what's happening in your life, you might discover that you have more power than you realize. Use it thoughtfully.

Daily Number: 3
Look out! You yield enormous power to influence others today, and may even appear more attractive than usual. You're upbeat and playful, and the world knows it. If there's a deal or project you've been waiting to close, now is the time to do it. Make sure you're organized, because there's also a tendency to be a bit scattered and forgetful.

Personal Card:
The Hanged Man

General Meaning: Traditionally, the card known as the Hanged Man usually indicates a lack of ability to help oneself through independent action. This energy is arrested and awaiting judgment. With this card, there is no avenue for the will to regain control until the situation has passed.

This represents a good time to be philosophical, to study and meditate upon the position you find yourself in, and form resolutions for the moment you become free again. Only those who possess wisdom, patience and optimism will be able to see through limitations, including possible humiliation, to grasp the inspiring lesson one can gain from such an experience.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Executive Brat Decisons.

I, Vercua Vulgarus, the Inner Brat of this Cheeky mOnkey, am making a decree that today shall be F--- All Y'All Day... (This goes along with Chicken Salad Sammich Day, cuz, well, we like CSSD)

There will be no recording of what's eaten, there will be no guilt placed for not exercising, pleasure will be taken in our sloth and we shall be restful to recharge those internal and spiritual batteries. It may mean reading trashy fan-fics, watching cheesy shows, or watching a Lifetime/Hallmark movie to get the waterworks flowing.

Today we thow ourselves a nice little pity party, complete with confetti, streamers & balloons, for tomorrow is a new day to get over ourselves and move on.

As I have spoken, let it be done.

Back to blah

I'm really tired and frustrated. Tired of being tired. Frustrated with my body and my health going from "Whee everything is great" to total blah and not interested in anything. Tired of having meltdowns almost weekly now, and being on the verge of tears for no apparent reason. Frustrated that the only thing that my doc does is give me more meds or increase my dosage. Frustrated that, when I try to exercise, it just tires me even more. And then my weight went up, and now I want to just eat something cuz I'm so frustrated with the process.

I totally feel like I should just stop taking everything and start over, but doing that would totally wack my system out. And I feel like my body wouldn't know how to work on it's own because I've been on one thing or another for almost 10 years.

Last night I half-jokingly commented that that's my life is like that commercial for depression medicaiton about how 'depression hurts' and 'talk to your doctor if you find that you've lost interest in things that you normall enjoy'.

I totally feel like curling up and hiding from life in general. I was just reading the healthy reflection about courage - on a Hero scale and an everyday scale. Do I have the courage to make a change and even more courage and strength to stick with that change? Right now, no, I don't. At best I feel... meh... about everything. Yeah, it'd be nice to do some A& S projects, or sewing for myself and my Honey, or be all smoochy & snuggly with him, or heck, even pick up after myself, but the drive to do that is stalled. Just sitting there going... meh.

My horoscope pretty much summed it up:
May 2, 2007
High energy and emotion will be present for you today, s. Be on the lookout for extreme sensitivity in yourself and in others. The planetary influences that are occurring will emphasize emotional reactions and the likelihood of misunderstanding. Communicate as effectively as possible and don't hesitate to ask for clarification if you find yourself feeling confused, angry or upset. Resist outbursts by waiting for another day to tackle major problems

I'm just waiting for the high energy to kick in. :P

Ok, feeling slightly better now. I just need to figure out when I can take an afternoon off in the near future to go see the naturopath and hopefully find a way to work on my health issues.