Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy All Hallowed Eve!

Ahh... I love Halloween... being the historical type person I am, I love that it marks the end of summer and celebrates the harvest and bounty of the season... it's New Years of sorts, a time to take stock of where you are, where you have been, and planning for the next season.

Essentially it's yet another time to start over...

Conicidentially, for some, it also marks the start of the holiday binge fest. Whee.

In our office, for instance, we're having a potluck and so far the contributions have been cookies, cookies, and, oh look, more cookies! (ok, I'll admit, I brought some too - Pumkpin chocolate chip. N-U-M!) There's also the side of chips & salsa... the creativity astounds me. LOL! I decided that next year I'm going to come to work as a bottle of insulin & hand out cookies shaped like syringes... whatcha think? But either way, food is now everywhere - remember, it's harvest & abundance time to carry us through the long, dark winter! (ooh, it's actually going to be below 90 today! yay fall is here!! LOL!)

Anywho, thought I'd use this time to re-cap the month and forcast for November.

I started weighing 177.6 and at 33.6% body fat.

I weighed in this morning at 173.4 and at 32-ish% body fat

So I lost a little over 1.5% body fat, not bad if I do say so...

That translates to about 3.5 pounds of fat... unfortunately it also means down about .5 pounds of lean body mass.

In general, I'm pretty happy with the results. I chose not to be hyper focused on my eating, and didn't get in as much cardio as I'd planned, but despite that I still had progress.

I'm only marginally happy with my progress in the exercise area. I was consistant with the strength part, and with a trainer it'll continue. Cardio-wise, I think I managed about 3 workouts a week, instead of my 4-5. I feel great when I do it, but the season change is really taking it out of me. My big goal is to make it through the rest of the year without a sinus/respiratory infection, but I feel like it's just stalking me, waiting for me to wear myself down just a teeny bit more.

Anywho, looking forward: For November, I'm going to use the info from my trainer since he measures a little more accurate than me. Not sure how often he's going to measure, but I should have an idea of progress by the end of the month.

SW: 179.0
BF%: 33.6% (I wasn't too far off with my measurements! Go me!)

Goals/daily habits
-eat/cook 'clean' meals 4 days a week minimum
-track food consistantly
-get 5 servings of fruit & veggies every day (especially weekends!!!)
-3 interval workouts a week. Any other day of cardio will be a bonus.
-Read my goals and affirmations 2 times a day

By the end of November I will be at 30% body fat, and have gained 1 pound of lean mean musckly body mass.

All this, despite the Thanksgiving mashed potato, stuffing and pumpkin pie fest, all of which I plan to enjoy without guilt!

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Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Crazy train... heading to the station.

It's been said that confession is good for the soul, and after writing out my post on Monday, I started to feel a little better. Not a huge amount, but sometimes addressing the anxiety monster head on helps with making it less... scary, or at least makes it more manageable. I'm still dealing with bouts of OMGSOMETHINGBADISGOINGTOHAPPENIJUSTKNOWIT!!! but less frequently - like once every half hour rather than every 10 minutes.

Still doing the 3/4 decaf - 1/4 caff mix on the coffee, still working out, still eating fine, still breathing (ok, breathing /more/ lol!) blah blah blah... but I'm still feeling wiggy. I had a nice distraction on Monday night by having dinner with a friend and got some good hug therapy (those are the best!) And the hubby had a couple awesome days of sales so that's making me feel a lot more comfy with the money situation, so I can hopefully keep going with the trainer for a while! yay!

Oh, but had my first session with the trainer on Monday night as well, and it went pretty well. I was very happy for one that I've been measuring my BF % pretty close to what he had - I'm at 33.6% (and the crazy brain says that conceivably I could be below 30% before the end of the year). I was also really happy because I am in a lot better shape than I realized - doode! 16 full situps in a minute! And while the work out was challenging, it was the first one and it was a 'see where you are before we really start pushing things' sort of a thing. I'm still feeling it today (and have my 2nd session tonight) but for the most part it's like, "hey, I worked out! this is that 'good sore' people talk about!" other than the 'OMG hurt and feel like I'm filled with lead' that I was worried about.

Looking forward to tonight and seeing what sort of a nutrition plan he's got concocted for me... I'm trying to keep an open mind because he seems to be in line with what I'm already doing/have learned. I'm also really focusing on /not/ acting like I know more than him. Yes I've been doing well on my own and getting results, but it will be good to have that tweaked to get even better results.

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Monday, October 27, 2008

All aboard the crazy train!

Ever have one of those weekends where you're productive, energetic and feel like everything is right and happy with the world, filled with rainbows, puppies, kittens and flowers?

Yeah, me either, but I figure it's something to strive for. :D

I spent the better part of the weekend fighting the overwhelming desire to curl up in the fetal position and hope that it all go away. (Un)fortunately neither happened.

I'm pretty sure this is just a phase and will pass, but it won't pass fast enough. It's a change of seasons, body and mind are readjusting to the shorter days, the "cooler" weather (umm...hello! I know this is Tucson, but 90 in almost November?! Seriously?!) makes one want to hibernate rather than be active (darn genetic predispositions not catching up with modern times.) There's also a lot going on globally and the energy is creating an air of uncertainty - new president on the horizon, economic upheavals, and it's all making me extra prone to wigginess.

As a bit of background - I've delt with depression/anxiety issues over the past many years, and only recently has it gotten any where near under control... until this weekend. This weekend it hit seemingly out of nowhere - I get this overwhelming feeling of impending doom and generally has no bearing on anything. It just gets in the way of my usual happy, easy going personality, and I know it drives the hubby buggy (::giggle:: that rhymed.) because I start getting over controlling and obsessive about silly things.

Oh, and it makes me want to eat and drink like mad. I had a small glass of wine on Friday and another one last night, but resisted the nummy chocolate stout that's hanging out in the fridge. The wine did help me calm down (and understand the connection with depression/anxiety and alcohol) but I figured a hot bath and quiet music can do the same, only not as quickly. I really wanted to dive into the big tub-o-ice cream in the fridge, or make a huge coffee cake or scones and eat half of it... but I didn't. I settled on a couple little snacks but nothing outrageous.

I did manage to hold it together enough to go grocery shopping, to get some food stuffs cooked in preparation for the week, do some laundry, unload and reload the dishwasher, and spend some quality time with the kittens, so the weekend wasn't a total loss.

So why am I sharing my little corner of the crazy world? Not really sure. LOL! Maybe because I realized that, even in the middle of a crisis (real or imagined), that I still have a sense of control, and moderation is still key. Sometimes you have to give in to get ahead. And when the momentary urge (strong as it was) to completely scrap everything hits, there's the underlying knowledge that hold the course is more rewarding in the long run.

Yes, I know there's lessons to learn in all things. Right now I think I'm getting a big lesson/test in faith - faith in myself, faith in others, faith that overall, things will work out the way they're supposed to. I know once I can muster the internal strength to look up from the tree I have my forehead planted on I'll see the big, beautiful forest... but right now I like having a bark print on my face. :P

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Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Becoming an overnight success... The old fashioned way

Being a Libra, my life is all about seeking balance- appreciating the good times when I've gone through bad times. Seeking out positive people/influences when I'm faced with negativity. Finding uplifting messages when I'm feeling a bit defeated.

The last few days, I've felt defeated. Like I was making so much forward movement with my health and weight loss and then it (read: I) stopped. Then people around me were doing great and I wasn't. Then I'd open a magazine/watch TV and see 'lose 20 pounds by the weekend like _all_ these people (who aren't you) did!' I try to stay focused on 'slow and steady win the race' and 'sustainable, not crash-and-burn', but at times it's difficult when you just want things to be done, be at the goal weight, have a spotless house, be out of debt, etc.

Then I had 2 quotes cross in front of me that brought me back to reality:

"Actually, I'm an overnight success. But it took twenty years."
Monty Hall

"Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm."
Sir Winston Churchill

Ok, fine... I'm in this for the long haul. Instead of looking for the latest and greatest quick fix/magic pill/newest gadget that's guarenteed to fix all my problems and end world hunger in one stroke, I'll just keep plugging along the old fashioned way: Putting in the time, effort, sweat, and tears. I'll keep plugging along, because I know deep down that this is the right path for me.

It's not the quickest or easiest path. Some months I'll have great losses, others months I won't even lose what 1 contestant on the Biggest Loser does in a week. But I know that in a year or two, I will be one of those "overnight sucess stories" people will read about.

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Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Ya know...

There's something awful and wonderful about food that comes out of a can, especially when it's cheese. A co-worker brought in crackers & cheese! Yay! Oh, you mean the transfat laden crackers and cheese that has a spout that it's squeezed out of.


Ok, let me back up a bit. As a kid, I loooved spray can cheese. You could make me so happy with a jar of peanut butter, a spray can of cheese, and box of crackers, and leave me alone... not much has changed on the peanut butter front, but canned cheese. yeah.

After seeing the can today, I had mixed emotions. "REAL CHEESE" the can exclaimed! ummm... yeah, chedder doesn't ooze like that! "WHOLE GRAINS!" the box of crackers promised.

Ok fine... I'll try one.

It wasn't awful. The happy warm fuzzies of youth didn't come rushing back, but it wasn't bad. It had garlic so that was a bonus, and the world didn't end just because I ate it.

But I think I can go another 8-10 years before trying it again. :P

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Thursday, October 16, 2008

There's a reason for everything... except when there isn't

I'm an over analytical type person... shocking, I know! I want to find reasons and meanings behind everything that goes on. That introspection and investigation helps me when a situation arises that I need to deal with. If I do x, y, and z, I can keep it from happening again, or know how to address it the next time around.

Or if I'm feeling down, it helps me to figure out what's going on so I can get over it and move on.

Like right now. I'm feeling grumpy, angtsy, full of emotion and feel like sitting on the floor and having a temper tantrum meltdown.

For no real reason.

I'm questioning why I'm doing anything, feel like throwing in the towel on everything, grabbing the cats and moving into a cave in India and never talking to anyone. ever.

Again, no reason, just.. meh.

call it a crisis of faith, mid-life crisis, or general post-bday/AF grumpiness.

Or maybe it's just Thrusday and I'm just not feelin' the love today, and no other reason.

Today will be an exercise in just letting it be. Feel the grumpy/ansty/emo crud, try not to let it interfere with life in general, and not put any sort of label, reason, or other meaning on to it.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008


So after yesterday's "rah rah!" post, I flopped. I jokingly told the hubby that all the "Old" finally caught up with me! LOL! But seriously, I'm pooped! We even went to bed last night at 9 (not quite what you're thinkin'... we were asleep by 9:30! And it's still not what you're thinkin'. ;) But the last few days, it's been a struggle to stay awake.

Seems I'm not the only one - several folks around the office are saying how tired they are even though they've been sleeping a lot. Not to mention a few people commenting about not feeling well.

Not sure if it's the change of season (we had a cold snap - for AZ it's rare for it to get below 80 right now, and Monday's high was 72... the heater even kicked on and it was down to 40 that night!) or AF just being mean to me, or what's going on.

My quandary is this - do I just give in and take it easy on myself this week, or the next day, to work on getting my energy back up? Or do I push and make myself do something my body doesn't seem willing to do? Obviously the former is more appealing, because the latter, while very noble, seems the quickest way to burnout-ville. Then again, getting out and moving is a good way to rev myself back up. But what if I'm actually getting sick and that seals the deal?!?


The weirdest part is that it seems so foreign to me to feel this way, even though it /used/ to be normal. And now I'm not sure how to deal!

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Tuesday, October 14, 2008

My Year of Success

starts today.

Actually, any day can be your 'January 1st', but I figure today is an excellent day to look at where I've been and where I'm going.

See, it's my birthday today. (hence the special tiara... as opposed to the 'everyday' tiara I'd normally wear when doing things like dusting or laundry... what? doesn't every one wear a tiara doing housework? No? You should!) And today is my last birthday where I can say I'm a 30-something. In some ways it makes me sad and scared, and I look at what /most/ people think one should have accomplished by now and I see that I'm not really there. Or even close in some cases. I have quite a bit of weight to lose still, I'm still in a lot of debt, I don't come any where near maxing my 401(k) contributions, my house is messy more than it's not, I have no kids, I only recently got married (and it's my first and only marriage!)

But yet, I keep getting happier and more content with my life than I ever was. And I've considered myself a happy, content person for quite a while.

I bought a home almost 2 years ago, I have a fantastic man that I'm now married to and who understands me probably better than I understand myself (a very scary thing! lol!), I have amazing friends (some of whom I've never met but mean as much to me as those I see every day!) and an even more amazing family. And for the first time in ... well... forever, I have a goal, a greater purpose and a plan. I've had each separately, but now that the 3 things are together, I'm making progress like never before.

I've got 3 main things that I'm focusing on (health, home, finance) and similar to my whole push for getting into /that dress/ for the wedding, I've got my eye on the next 12 months and what I want to accomplish by the time the big 4-0 rolls around. What I've learned over the last several months is that, even if I don't completely hit my target, I've gotten closer to it than I ever ahve before.

So who want's to join me in making today the first day in YOUR year of success?! There's room for everone at the top, not just me!

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Monday, October 6, 2008


I've worked really, really hard to get my diet clean, get rid of the bad stuffs, get my health on track and all that happy fun stuff, and I've done great! I've cleared out 95% of the processed, enriched stuff and replaced it with healthy, real foods. Whoo hoo!

But now, I'm thinking that I've done a little /too/ good of a job at it. Why do I think this? Because I have had a serious beef craving- like to the point I'm ready to go to a steak house and dive the biggest, rarest cut they offer - the last couple of weeks.

Oookaaay, for some this may not be a big deal, just go have a burger and move on.

For me it's a huge issue: I haven't eaten beef in _over_ 10 years. Not because I don't like it - I looooved it! - It hates ME. (Omitting too many details, basically my body doesn't process it, and I get really, really sick, and no, it wasn't my gall bladder.)

Before folks start offering suggestions:
-I've already upped my iron supplement
-I eat lots of green leafy veggies
-I get plenty of protein from poultry, pork, and
-It's no where near that time of the month

After looking at what nutrients are in beef, iron is actually pretty low on the list. However, Zinc and B-12 are way up there. Baroo?! Ok then, time to up both (and I already take a good B-complex supplement). I looked at the list of foods that are good sources for B-12. Near the top are eggs and cheese, both things that I've limited (I've been using the egg substitute to cut down on fat & calories.) Looks like I need to start eating the real stuff again, at least for a bit, and see how that works out.

If you see me in the grocery store, gnawing on a steak, we'll know it didn't work. It's best just to back away slowly and pretend you never saw me. ;)

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Saturday, October 4, 2008

Oh, that's right...

I /hate/ shopping. I have moments, like today, where I have selective amnesia and forget that I hate to shop. But after about 10 minutes in a store it all comes rushing back to me. But I decided to give Macy's a go, since I had gifty cards that needed spendin'!

The good news is I got a new pair of walk/run shoes! That was easy, and considering my foot is picky, I was happy that I tried on a pair and they fit. Whoo hoo! That gave me encouragement to press on to look for a pair of pants. Now, of the 8 pairs I tried on, they were all size 14 and fit with no problem. yay! Some were a weeee bit tight, but nothing I was worried about popping a button off of. Problem is, I'm a classic kind of gal. I want basic, non-descript black dress pants. Nothing special, honest. But apparently classic isn't good for business because it means people would buy less clothing, so everything is trendy. Take the 'wide leg'... I've come to terms with having a slightly wider leg pant - I didn't really like it at first because, to me, it doesn't add balance, it adds volume. And I'm all about not adding any more volume! But that's what's widely available, so I'm ok with it. But I'm not ok with a pant leg that's so wide that a small child and a few critters could make a happy little bungalow out of them. Eeesh. And apparently if you're a size 14, you're also 5' 20" tall because every pair would have to be hemmed. I'm 5'6"! with heels at least 5'8"! WTF?!?! I'm not short! Grrr... so yeah, didn't find a pair of pants. darn it. (side note: I decided to check out a couple of web sites of places that I may have better luck ordering them... only to find NY & Co. is PROUD to now offer size 0 ! Z-e-r-o! Hello! all anorexics, er, small boned ladies! Come on down! ::flop::)

Oh, I did get glared at while shopping. I found it amusing and almost wanted to hug the woman. I had ventured over to the "Women's" department (hey, they had exercise type clothes as the 'border'... not so subtle, Macy's.) and while I was looking at the sale racks a woman shopping in that department gave me a look like "get out of here, not /your/ size!"

I decided then to venture to the lingerie department... I need new bras since mine are getting way stretched out.

Ugh! After about 20 min of frustrating and trying to find styles on my own, trying on this or that one, I decided to enlist help of the sales lady. Part of the "problem" is that I'm still the same size! The nice lady grabbed a few for me to try on and I found one that I really liked and got 3. They're. All. Beige. Grr.

small rant

I get the fact that one can't pick and choose where the weight will deposit itself or come off, but my body is frustrating the heck out of me. I'm wearing a smaller size in pants and in tops. Schweet! But makes absolutely no sense that my waist measurement is the same, and my bra band & cup size is still the same! Oh! And I would absolutely L-O-V-E to be able to walk into a main stream shop and find an abundance of cute bras in a size OVER a C cup! I'm not talking VS or Fredricks - I'm talking Macy's, Kohl's, or even Target for cripe's sake! We're all told "love the skin you're in, no matter what size!" And then the one industry that has the power to really let us feel sexy and confident (nothin' like racy red undies to make you feel special during that long boring meeting, eh?!) SMACKS US DOWN! it's all about the b00b's, eh? Guy's love cleavage, right?! Then why the heck do D+ cups get relegated to industrial construction bras in white, beige or black?!??!

/small rant

Ok, this is me breathing. I'm thinking I may start shopping at Layne Bryant for bras. Either way, I think I need a beer now. LOL!

Friday, October 3, 2008

Sometimes the dragon wins...

Or in this case my brat won. And it was a good thing.

With the onset of fall with it's slightly cooler weather (hello?! This is Tucson! We're only getting down in the 70's at night.) and it staying darker longer in the morning, it's been increasingly difficult to get out of bed in the morning over all, forget about getting up to exercise. I was good Mon - Wed, then Thursday I hit that ::kick, whine:: "No wanna" place. One would /think/ that was Veruca rearing her bratty head, or Stevie just being a lazy teenager, but no, that was ME! It was aaaalll me whining about wanting 5 more minutes. My not-so-much brats were trying to push me out of bed, saying, "Just go for a 15 minute walk. YOu'll feel soooo much better during the day!"

"Nah, I have to get into work early - it's a busy day. No time. Besides, I'm in charge, darn it so back off and hit the snooze!"

Man I can get grumpy in the morning. LOL!

So I slept in, and had a seriously cranky day. I couldn't get started, couldn't quite cope with all the stress and activity going on around me. It was miserable.

This morning was the same thing, because there are some lessons I apparently am unwilling to learn. Alarm went off, SNOOZE! Alarm went off. SNoo- huh? I had this picture that formed so clearly and fully in my brain, I literally laughed out loud. At 5:25 am, I was laying in bed laughing. This picture was of a 6- and a 13-year old girl, dressed to go out exercising, standing next to my bed, arms crossed and tapping their feet, and giving me the look of, "Don't even make us drag yer sorry butt out of bed. You're not going to win this one."

So I got up, got out, and had a fabu walkie. The sunrise was beautiful and totally worth it. And there was cake at the end, or at least it was at work. :)

Actually, there's a bunch of it around here at work. I guess that January was a particularly, uh, 'slow' month for couples with the number of October birthdays, not only in my family, but here at work. ::giggle:: But today we celebrated my boss-man's b-day, and even though I'm not really a fan of it, I had a piece of Black Forest Cake and OMG it was nummy.

I decided a while back that, if I was going to indulge, I was going to make it worth it. If you're all about the box cake, that's fine. But for me, if it's a treat, it's gotta be something I can't have/get all the time. Something as rare and wonderful as the rarest gem, or the plant that only blooms once a year. With the holidays last year, it saved me several times to limit my time and calorie expenditure on the desserts that spring up like weeds staring oh, around now, but more so between 11/1-12/31. Like chocolate chip cookies - I love 'em, but they're every where. Now a Rocco's cookie, that's a different story. OMG num! Or my mom's, cuz, well, it's mom's.

Cake - well, you can get random store bought/box mix made cakes any where any time. But a from scratch, artfully made cake or pie of numminess - say from Nadine's like I had today and who made our wedding cake, or a rarely made banana chocolate chip coffee cake from evil co-worker lady, or mom's pumpkin pie that she baked the gourd herself - That's what I'm talkin' about.

It's all about setting a certain standard for what deserves to go into your body and enjoying to the fullest rather than feeling guilty. (and omg that statement can be read so many ways ::blush::)

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Thursday, October 2, 2008

Yay the economy is in the toilet!

A strange and wonderful thing happened today - co-worker lady and I went to the breakroom for lunch and there were no chairs! We had to steal some from an office just to have a place to sit.

This rarely happens! I made a joke of how "Either the economy is in the toilet or it's the day before payday... oh wait, it's both!"

While there's plenty of stress and worry about the economy, money, and the cost of, well, everything, there's a small glimmer of hope: Even though it's a hit to the wallet, it's a benefit to the waistline. I've noticed over the last 1-2 months the number of people brown baggin' it has increased 3-5x. It used to be I was the only person who would be eating in the breakroom and the only company I would have would be people dumping their take out contaiers in the trash. Now if I want a bit of alone time, I have to find somewhere else. It's awesome! And there's the occassional "I'm feeling a lot better" type of converations.

I have a hope and dream that, when things turn around and the economy is doing better, people will continue. I doubt it, since most people have gotten used to the convenience of drive throughs and resturaunts. But even if 1 person sticks with it, it will be awesome!

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Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Update fun...

Wow... It's been a few days since I've written anything! It's been a really busy few days at work and personally and while my brain has been bursting with ideas, it's that whole time vs. energy thing - I haven't had either. But either way, here I am. I set my timer for 15 minutes to do a small brain dump to at least get a few things out.

I had a small breakthrough today... actually I had 2, but one more momentous than the other. I was out on my walkies this morning, listening to the No Excuses radio show and this lady called in to ask about how to get away from using the scale as the measure of success. He gave some good examples and I had a stray thought that literally stopped me in my tracks.

I had decided to do a once a month weigh in, and as of today I'm down to 176.2. whoo hoo! I'm very excited since I haven't seen that number in forever. I'm even more excited because I'm fast approaching the 30% body fat mark which totally kicks butt! What's even better is the fact that the thought I had was that I don't care if the scale never goes down again, as long as the body fat continues to drop. If I'm at my current weight, but at my goal BF of 20%, I'd have 140 pounds of bone and musckles! So actually, I'd be at my goal weight, just not in the way I anticipated. But what struck me is that I really have moved from relying on the scale for my motivation and for it to tell me what mood I'll be in, and I'm just using it as a tool for the greater picture. Yes, I still get annoyed if it goes up or doesn't go down as fast as *I* want it to, but I understand now that there's more factors to consider and if one part of the equation doesn't seem ideal, maybe the other parts are.

The second thing that happened is that I wore pants today that I haven't been able to wear in years! (I'd say about 8-10 years) They were a little snug in the waist, but they were a solid size 14! No spandex stretchyness, just an unforgiving waistband at a size 1-4! Schweet! I was so excited! I told someone at work about it. "I haven't worn these in 10 years!" I boasted.

Then I realized, "holy cr@p! I'm wearing 10+ year old pants! Why?!" I mean, yes, I deserve to wear a smaller size, but why do I deserve to wear clothes that are that old and are slightly out of style? They're semi'-classic' but the pleats in the front aren't flattering no matter the size and the tapered leg really dates them. So they, along with the 3 other pairs of pants I've been saving till I can wear them again... they're in the donate pile. Yes it's wasteful, but I'm in an entitled mood, so there. :P LOL!

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