Monday, June 25, 2007

Flinging remorse

I've flung a lot of clutter over the last several years. Looking at my house you wouldn't quite know it, but I've got a lot less STUFF than I had before... I mean, considering I can share the closet with my Honey and there's actually open space in it is a big improvement to a closet I had at one of my apartments that was bigger than ours now and was packed to overflowing. For the most part I can't remember any of the items I flung and haven't missed them... but every so often, I think "Crap! I got rid of ____, didn't I?!?" This weekend was one of those times. I was looking through my embroidery magazine and saw a great project for a sweatshirt turned cardigan... knowing that my one sweater I wear at work is on it's last legs, and the other doesn't fit well, I immediately went to my closet because I have a couple plain ones and... oh crap. I got rid of them. *sigh* I have admit it took everything I could muster to not go out and buy a new one... I forced myself to sit on the idea for a bit, realized that right *now* I wouldn't have time to do it as I had other more pressing things/projects to do, and agreed to put it on my project list and re-visit it later on. So I had the full range of guilt/remorse: guilt for getting rid of something that I (or probably my mom) spent good money on... guilt for not having worn it... remorse for all the other STUFF I still have in the house that's going unused, remorse for not having/taking the time to do the projects that I need/want to do. Then the guilt for feeling guilty about the whole thing. Oy... I'd swear I was raised Jewish or Catholic by all the guilt I impose on myself.

Then I was listening to the FlyLady show from a couple weeks ago and a lady emailed about how she had a weekend with no kids and wanted to know where to start with cleaning/decluttering so she could get the house clean before the kids got back. Did my heart good to hear FlyLady respond that she should just do maybe an hour or two of 15 minute sessions then be done for the day... It's that overwhelming drive of a SHE to do it all now, but oh crud I can't so I'm not gonna do anything. I do that a lot anyway, and I had the same idea that the lady did for next week. I'm taking Monday & Tuesday off to recoup from the trip and also to attack the house some more. It's all about changing my attitude and doing what I can for now, and getting back into my routines... again... for the 50th time. :/

But the upside is that I managed to fling more things from my closet - got rid of a few pairs of shoes that were dead, some shirts that were the same, and a few other articles that I just didn't wear and was releasing on faith that I wouldn't need them, and that I will be able to replace them when I need to.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Friday? Really?

I actually made it to Friday? OMG feels like this was 2 weeks wrapped into one! Bleh.

But the upside is it's the weekend now, I've got some time to myself to futz around the house, I can sleep in tomorrow (yay) and getting together with da mOnkey for lunch and girlie time getting nails done. so yeah...

Here's to getting the craft room-o-doom under some semblance of control.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

I need a vacation...

Or a change of pace or something. In reality, I need St. George to move on so I can be less easily annoyed at the usual things. :/ Not to mention just needing a break from the day to day decisions about what is the right thing to do for myself and for my health. So many things to consider, so many 'what ifs'. And why is it that the easy thing usually isn't the 'right' thing?! erg... oh well. This is me breathing.

Looking forward to next weekend's trip, even though it's gonna be bloody hot, I'm sure. But it will be at waters edge so Yay! :)

Oh look! Distraction - Friday at the Shanty! Score. :)

Monday, June 11, 2007

Interesting quote for today....

When things go wrong don't go with them.

- Elvis Presley, rock idol

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Brain shift

Today started of as One Of Those Days. ::grumble::tired ::grumble:: getting up late house a mess ::grumble:: almost late into work and hit the ground running as soon as I get in ::grumble:: desk is a mess ::grumble:: got an email saying to find joy in everything everyday whatever ::grumble:: stoopid fax not going through and person calling me to tell me it's not going through ::grumble:: Just as I'm getting off the phone with this person, she tells me to have an outstanding fun day. ::gr.. um.. blink::

I think that was a drive by ::flick:: from the PTB. ::ow:: Fine... I gets it. Adjusting attitude to compensate.

Although, I'm having another near non-functioning brain day. Getting tired of that, actually. I'm tired, but can't get to sleep. I have too much to do, but no energy to do so (because I'm tired but can't get to sleep)... yeah, talk about a vicious cycle. Guess I'm just in an overwhelmed mood and I need to unwhelm myself.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Health Quandry/Ponderings

Have been talking with the Woogie about our various health issues - she & I have similar ones so it's good to bounce ideas off the other. She's getting to the point where I was a month or two ago - ready to just get off all the pills, clean out the system, and start fresh.

I have to say that I'm exceptionally surprised that I'm doing as well as I am. I'm completely off the Met, Synthroid and Wellbutrin, and am about 2 weeks away from being off the celexa - which was half the dose of the lexapro. Whee... While I'm not ready to take on the world, I'm also not curled up in a corner twitching and/or crying all the time.

I've been through a few health issues where it was tolerable for a while to put up with the problem, then I got some help from the doctor that didn't quite do it, but I still put up with it... then I finally get to the point where I am now that I'm ready to do what I need to do to make myself healthy. Most times that meant stopping the 'medical' treatment and taking a different route - either something more natural or finally finding a medication that actually helps. Most times it's the former.

Right now, I'm even more pleased with myself, especially with my conviction to continue on the path of detoxing my body, and also paying attention to it. I'm getting more comfy with the FAM signs. So even if my cycle is all sorts of wonky, it will be wonky in a way that I can predict and observe. I can see how women find it empowering - how can it not be when you know what's going on inside? My only concern is that AF is gonna hit me really hard and heavy, like it was before... not looking forward to that at all. That's one thing that's a quandary for me. I mean, while I understand now what taking the pill and/or other hormonal forms of BC can mean to your system, and how it can mess it up. And I think that all women should learn about their cycles and at least try FAM just to understand it - if I had learned about it when I was younger, it would have at least been helpful to know that what I was going through was semi-normal. But then again, as a teenager, I wouldn't have been comfortable with it, and with the pain involved, I would still go on the pill if I had to do it all over again.

That actually brings me to an interesting realization, and feeling all mother earthy - a woman's cycle isn't a bad thing in general. It's part of how our body functions, and does serve several good purposes. It's something that makes us 'women'. But yet we have a big stigma of 'that time' and it being 'the curse', blah blah blah... My mom didn't really help so much because she hated it as much as I did... and when you have severe symptoms, it's hard to embrace and enjoy it as healthy and natural. But at least now I can respect and understand it... even if it's not fun. :P

Monday, June 4, 2007

"Beached Whale" comes to mind...

After stepping on the scale this morning, and feeling generally bloaty and huge, I've realized that it's definitely time to get myself back on track with a healthier way of eating and getting moving again. My goal is to be back down to 195, or even better 190, by the end of the month, and to achieve that, I need to get myself in gear.

The supplements seem to be helping me a little, and I am feeling slightly better than before. I also took a lunch hour to plan out a menu for the month. Then I go and do things like push myself really hard over the weekend and wind up exhausted and strung out, like today. I slept pretty hard last night, but still could use a lot more sleep. And then we're going to a movie tonight. Yay! Date night with my Honey! But there will be popcorn consumed, and probably other goodies, but I will not overdo. Tomorrow's another day, to eat better, and I had a good lunch.

I'm kind of avoiding right now... not for any particular reason, I'm just not quite ready to add that back into my routine, especially when I need to focus some time on the house. Ugh... getting oppressive again, and I know *I* have let my routines slip far, far away.