Friday, May 18, 2007

Very fitting

Trying to please others today may prove to be a fruitless task, as everyone seems to have their own agenda, which might not include your perspective. Your first reaction could be to try to bring them over to your point of view. Examine your motives before you set out on this course of action, for your involvement may not be necessary for anyone's well-being except your own.
Friday, May 18, 2007

This pretty much sums up both horrorscopes I got today... and interestingly it's made me think a lot of my mom. It's been difficult of late to talk with her... as a friend summed up, she's being a s--t, and we're both incredibly stubborn, so neither of us is goin to back down, at least not be the first one to back down.

I've been thinking about the phone conversations we've had since I told her N & I set the date. They've either completely avoided any discussion of N or, if he's mentioned it's in passing or is met with a disapproving/dissappointed attitude from her. I couldn't figure out what it was that was really bugging me, but then Veruca helped me out - she's totally acting like a brat. She has had an idea in her head of what (and possibly who) she wanted me to have for the rest of my life... and this isn't fitting anywhere near that perfectionist ideal that she has. Me owning a house... maybe. Me being happy, definitley. Me having good friends and people that love me... absolutely. But finding someone that I can love and can love me back, someone who makes me happy and is a joy [most times;) ] to wake up to, someone I am choosing to spend the rest of my days with... not so much. Yes, she'd want the happiness of it for me, but for me to find that person, especially one that doesn't fit with her ideal of who I should be with, would mean I don't need her anymore.

Well, ya know what, she's wrong. And right. I don't need her in the same way I did - as the first person to call when something was wrong (like the frantically hysterical call in the the middle of the night when I found blood in Patita's stool), or when something went really well (yay! Got a job! yay! got a house!) N has replaced her in that role - we're building a life of memories that are good and bad, and we're the front line when ever anything big or small happens. But it doesn't mean that I don't need my mom still... I need her in many different ways. I need her to be supportive; to trust that she raised me well, instilling me with love, gratitude, confidence, and humor, not to mention a strong will when I have to; to worry for me when I don't have the sense to; to renew her relationship with her husband and embrace the transition back to wife and woman, and loosen up a little on the mom role; to be part of this phase in my life that's new and exciting, not to mention a lot scary.

It wasn't like I really expected her to jump for joy when I told her I was getting married, or that we set the date. What I was hoping for was happiness for me, a little excitement, and maybe wanting to be involved in the process a little. Instead, whenever it's hinted at, it makes me feel like I've become a total failure in her eyes because I'm walking on my own path instead of the one that she wanted to choose for me, all the while praising me for my individuality, my strength, my courage.

It all leaves me feeling very empty, feeling that she's chosing to avoid/ignore/forget this part of her life now, leaving me slightly alone in the world. But I also know that it's not anything that I can change for her, any more than she can change me. I want to talk to her, but I don't even know what I would say.

But that's a different plan for a different time. I'd best be off to make dinner.

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