Saturday, January 19, 2008

My Breakfast is evil

I just entered all the stuff for breakfast/snack and it totaled up to 666 calories! LOL! Now if I can just get rid of my headache, all will be good and right with the world. Hopefully my walk will help clear it up.

After more thinking and re-reading of ECKHAM05's blog, I decided that I'm a control freak. I think we all are to a point if we're here. Problem is, I gave up the control a long time ago and went on subconscious auto pilot. I skated through the days, not really paying attention to what I was eating, doing, what ever. The house, body and mind gets more and more cluttered - physically or emotionally till the perfectionist control freak comes out and wants an all or nothing magic pill to make it better.

But sadly there's not. And that's where the emotions come in - the anger, the defensiveness, the frustration, being tired, being vulnerable, etc. I had an email conversation with a friend yesterday who told me her co-worker was going to the coffee place to get goodies for her. I got annoyed, frustrated, defensive.

For the rest of the day I had some of these thoughts floating through my head (why I spent so much time & energy on it, I don't know): She's in a similar boat with needing to lose weight - although less than me - so why is it ok for her to eat stuff like that and not me?! I mean, I used to be the kind of person who would just eat whatever and not care or worry about the calorie or fat content. And darn it, why is it so bloody easy to go outside the ranges, but really difficult to stay in them?!?!

And then the reason for all this mulling came out: I HATE BEING IN CONTROL ALL THE TIME!!


Wow. Ok, that stopped me in my tracks. I had a Dr. Phil moment after that: Soooo, *not* being in control all the time... how'd that work for you? It got me fat, it got me cranky, it got my house messy, it made me a door mat, etc. My life turned into 'someone else's problem', but *I* was the someone else. So why would I want to give up control? Isn't being in control infinitely better than not? ::whimper:: yes, it is... I'm just not used to it. But the good news is that I have opportunities all day, every day to exert control. *I* am the only one who can control my actions, my attitude, and most importantly, my reaction.

I think it's more a matter of fear, though - fear that I can only maintain this level of control over my life, my diet, etc., for so long before it goes away, and then where will I be? I keep saying I don't want to go back to where I was... but if I can't keep it up, I might as well not even try.

But that's also why I'm here. I have found an amazing support in the people here who lift me up when I fall. They're my cheerleaders who don't see the bad, only the good. We can cheer each other's successes. When my resolve falters, I can use theirs, just like they can use mine when theirs falters.

And as ECKHAM05 says, I won't let my fear derail me.

And as Veruca says: I decree it! :)

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