Wednesday, July 18, 2007

What do I want?!

I've been back in the serious Blah phase lately - don't wanna do anything, feeling like a fat, blobby slug, not taking care of myself or anything around me... and I'm tired of it. But apparently not tired enough to stop doing it. I think I've also lost sight of the why, and not fully grasping and implementing the commitment and work it takes.

So what *do* I want?

Well, for one, I wanna be at a much lower weight than I am now. There's the logic of why I *should* weigh less - the health factors alone should be enough - but there's the emotional end that's more motivating. I want to look in the mirror and go "yep. I'm hot." having other people think it too definitely helps, too. Yes, part of it is accepting and loving myself for who and what I am now. And the other part is working to move beyond where I am now and back into the healthy lifestyle. It's the preparing and eating healthy food, getting loving movement every day. I want the energy to enjoy life and participate in it.

I want to be out of debt too. I want my money to be my own, not someone else's for the next 5-7 years or more. I want to stop relying, even a little, on my parents and start being fully responsible for my self and my expenses. I want to stop worrying that I'm less than a paycheck away from being completely buried under the mountain of debt, and probably being out on the street. I want to be able to jump an opportunity to take a job that could be great, but may mean a cut in pay.

Oh, and the house! Want to have a feeling of control and peace over that. Not being frustrate when looking at every surface and seeing a pile on it. No, it's not all my stuff, but yes, a lot of it is.

And lastly, I want to have a feeling of control over my life. It's a constant struggle and issue for me and something I keep coming back to. Why? Yeah, I get my head out of my rear every so often and act on the wants, but I stumble and it stops me for... a long time. In my Mary Kay days, I remember being told about developing a burning desire to succeed... building the fire that won't go out and will push you, even when you don't want to continue. I never got that. I mean I understand it, but I have not been able to develop that. I get the little tinders smoldering then a wind comes and puffs it out. Sometimes the wind comes from other people, sometimes from myself

Yes, I know... time to put my Big Girl Panties on and deal... And time to sit down with Veruca and figure out how to turn those wants into needs, and work together to reach those goals.

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