Feeling the fear...

A'int that the truth?!:

"Conquering your fears through actionLife brings with it many doubts and fears. But the unknown and the untried have held more people back than any lack of ability. Most successes are never seen because they're never attempted. The courage to face your fears can build momentum that creates magic. Each time you overcome an obstacle, a fear or a step back, you gain confidence. Every small victory helps you feel more certain of yourself and your direction, pushing you further and faster than you ever thought possible. You can do it! What's holding you back? True, fears are intimidating. So start small. Believe in yourself and take one small swipe at your fear today just to see what happens. If you can't talk yourself past the "point of no return", get a friend to help. In the end, half of the doing is in the deciding. If you stumble, don't be afraid to brush yourself off and jump back in. "

That was my Sparkpeople healthy reflection for today... pretty fitting with all the stuff going on.

So the first thing - I made the appt. with the GYN to get the IUD removed. Talk about feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Really not sure about it all, but it's something that needs to be done for me to have a fighting chance with my improving my health. 5/30/07 is the day.

Secondly - speaking of health, heard from D about my adrenal test results. It's simultaneously reassuring and distrubing to have her ask me, "How do you get out of bed in the morning?!?!" Apparently I'm just above comatose in the afternoons and evenings... well, yeah, I knew that, but I didn't think it was *that* bad. It does help me feel vindicated about some stuff - my thyroid levels, the whole weight gain, and not being able to get up in the morning. Guess I need to cut myself a little slack.

Third - I made a plan to wean myself off of my other meds in the next couple of weeks, and just placed a $50 order for vitamins that help support the different stuff going on, instead of renewing my Rx for the antidepressants.

I was sharing some of the info about my test and the supplements with a co-worker, and another co-worker kind of rolled her eyes at the mention of holistic/nautropathic, and muttered something about 'don't take on an illness that you dont' have'... I got offended, but really didn't want to give in to it - not the time or place. I know it's not the popular way of thinking, and some times it's really just about people being weird, or thinking that holistic medicine can cure everything... I know that's not the case, and even D commented that she's had people in that she's refered directly to a cardiologist or other specialist because there's things you just can't fix without that sort of help. The problem is that people who are doing either extreme are only taking care of 1/2 the problem. It's all about balance.

I've always had a preference for a more natural way of treating things, but the last several years, I've been very dependant on a medical/western approach to my health and looking for the easy band-aid fix it provides. Unfortunaltey, the band-aid fell off and wouldn't go back on. So after trying to get a new one, I realized that it's really up to me to take care of myself, and it means going on a non-traditional path. I was set on that path during a chance conversation with someone in the lunch room, and it's proven to be very fruitful. I feel like I'm on the way to healing my body, instead of just fixing this or that. And I also feel like I'm finally getting back in touch with my body, waking up to the small cues it gives me, and increasing my awareness in general of what's going on around and in myself...

...and what's going on is still cramping. Erg. Mostly on the left side, but sorta moving to general owies. But otherwise I feel really good. Like being satisified after I eat something instead of looking for the next thing to munch on, or drinking the purified water cuz the other stuff tastes icky... or prefering the taste of white tea over coffee... it's still good, but just not needing it as much. Although I needed some this morning - was extra tired after having some interruptions last night - but I've noticed that I'm perked up easier after I'm up and moving. The detoxing is going good, too... down another pound and, more importantly, not feeling so bloated and sluggish.

So yeah, feeling all 'love your body/embrace your spirit/new agey/woman power/etc.', and I go through my phases of increased spirituality... I guess this is one of them. The nice thing at times like this is a sense of calm and confidence I get. I'm sure it'll pass, and I'm sure I'll be back, but I'm definitley enjoying it right now. It's very freeing to make my own decisions about my health, and doing things to support my body instead of suppress it. Think that's a big part of it. And also knowing the responsibility of making those decisions is having to be in tune with my health so that I know what needs to be changed/enhanced/added/etc. This why most traditional doctors don't want to do treatment this way - it's too much work.