What do I want?!

I've been back in the serious Blah phase lately - don't wanna do anything, feeling like a fat, blobby slug, not taking care of myself or anything around me... and I'm tired of it. But apparently not tired enough to stop doing it. I think I've also lost sight of the why, and not fully grasping and implementing the commitment and work it takes.

So what *do* I want?

Well, for one, I wanna be at a much lower weight than I am now. There's the logic of why I *should* weigh less - the health factors alone should be enough - but there's the emotional end that's more motivating. I want to look in the mirror and go "yep. I'm hot." having other people think it too definitely helps, too. Yes, part of it is accepting and loving myself for who and what I am now. And the other part is working to move beyond where I am now and back into the healthy lifestyle. It's the preparing and eating healthy food, getting loving movement every day. I want the energy to enjoy life and participate in it.

I want to be out of debt too. I want my money to be my own, not someone else's for the next 5-7 years or more. I want to stop relying, even a little, on my parents and start being fully responsible for my self and my expenses. I want to stop worrying that I'm less than a paycheck away from being completely buried under the mountain of debt, and probably being out on the street. I want to be able to jump an opportunity to take a job that could be great, but may mean a cut in pay.

Oh, and the house! Want to have a feeling of control and peace over that. Not being frustrate when looking at every surface and seeing a pile on it. No, it's not all my stuff, but yes, a lot of it is.

And lastly, I want to have a feeling of control over my life. It's a constant struggle and issue for me and something I keep coming back to. Why? Yeah, I get my head out of my rear every so often and act on the wants, but I stumble and it stops me for... a long time. In my Mary Kay days, I remember being told about developing a burning desire to succeed... building the fire that won't go out and will push you, even when you don't want to continue. I never got that. I mean I understand it, but I have not been able to develop that. I get the little tinders smoldering then a wind comes and puffs it out. Sometimes the wind comes from other people, sometimes from myself

Yes, I know... time to put my Big Girl Panties on and deal... And time to sit down with Veruca and figure out how to turn those wants into needs, and work together to reach those goals.

Yep...

Something we were withholding made us weak, until we found it was ourselves. - Robert Frost

Who is standing in your way?

Imagine someone regularly tying small weights around your ankles as you try to climb a mountain. Doesn't sound fair, does it? But that's exactly what you can do to yourself, a little bit at a time, if you don't watch out. When you think of who and what is standing in the way of your dreams, it's easy to forget your own responsibility. Even the best of us can be guilty of unknowingly hurting our own progress. Procrastination, lateness, being disorganized, pessimism, not being honest with yourself, severe self-criticism, downplaying achievements, focusing only on weaknesses while ignoring strengths, keeping goals a secret, demanding perfection, giving up after a small setback--these are all ways you can make it tough to be (and do) your best. Smart systems, the right attitude, and a promise to keep going no matter what will make a world of difference.

I've shifted focus off myself again...time to get back to me.

Can I have a "Rar!"

Vacation is what you take when you can't take what you've been taking any longer.

- Lion from Wizard of Oz

I totally need a vacation.

Nothing like a short blogging hiatus

Just looked at my last entry and went 'wow... I thought I'd have energy after the trip to clean?!' Yeah, I'm silly. It's taken me almost 2 weeks to recover from that trip. Between the heat, not taking my thyroid & adrenal stuff, not eating well, and the constant treks up a hill and walking in sand, it totally wore me out. It's taking about 2 weeks to get back up to start feeling 'normal', then I go and get dental work done only to be laid out flat again.

I'm such a weenie... I've been sustaining on soft foods - watermelon eegee's (my honey ROCKS! Got me the big-o box of eegee's), mashed potatoes, mac & cheese, fruit smoothies... that sort of thing. And then trying to take pain meds... yeah, that didn't help much.

But I decided to get back on the SparkPeople.com wagon because I realized that my total inactivity of late is more damaging to me than doing something occasionally, and I've been hit an miss with my eating. Just tired of being tired, and my weight isn't helping. I was finally getting some energy back before the trip and it went bye-bye. I set a few easy-ish daily goals to re-establish my habits: Recording what I eat, reading motivating posts and posting on the message groups. At least then it'll get me in the mindset to focus on my health. Besides, I've got a beautimus wedding dress to fit into in less than a year! Yike!

I've got my procedure coming up in 2 weeks, too. Who knew that it'd cause so much angst - been Turning into a 'to procreate or not to procreate' issue. Frankly I'm not sure what scares me more: Relying on/having faith in/trusting/believing myself enough to interpret my body's signs for fertility enough to avoid getting preggers, or possibly having a procedure done that could could make life easier but may or may not impede my health further. *sigh* I know holistically I should just have the thingie removed and trust in myself... but there's that 'no brainer' aspect that i really like. (Yes, Woogs & Orion, I'm obsessing... but needed to get it out, k? :)

And there's that other offer lingering out there from Thyra... still not sure what to do - might be a great opportunity, I'm looking at just having gotten a raise and upcoming bills that need to be paid off. :/ *sigh* hate being a grown up sometimes...