Frustrated

I'm really getting sick of this gaining & losing the same 2-3 pounds every week/weekend. This weekend I didn't eat too badly and even did my workout on Saturday yet the scale still went up. It's just frustrating and annoying.

I mean, am I destined to only be able to eat certain things and that's it? And the minute I add in a little bit of variety will mean instant weight gain? Arg. Yes there's a little bit of comfort in knowing key foods that help with the loss, but if that's *IT* for the rest of my life, it's so not worth it.

I'm hoping this particular jump is because of the chinese food last night and is water retention... but still. It's going to be a long hard battle and I'm not sure I'm really up to it, not to mention feeling really grumpy today. I didn't sleep well at all last night, didn't get up to exercise today, and just feeling kinda cruddy... have the same wound but tired feeling that I've had for the last couple weeks and it's not going away. Normally it'd be good, but it's not productive at all. More like I'm exhausted but the brain and the body aren't quite ready to collapse yet.

Ok, this is me just whining... need to get over it and move on.

Technorati : health, sparkpeople, weight

Friday!

This is about how I felt when I stepped on the scale this morning. It dropped yesterday but this morning was back up again, even though I ate really well yesterday, kept moving when I got home, etc... *sigh* this is why the process is so frustrating...

BUT I looked at it as a challenge and had my appointment with Denise that about kicked my butt... Intervals?! Hello! I'm fat & this is killin' me! Fine... I'll do it but I won't like it. So hopefully it'll kick the scale back down a few notches, but I'm sooo looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow!

Technorati : health, sparkpeople, weight

::yawn::

Feeling a lot better today... went home, had dinner, did minimal stuff around the house, watched Henry V (*sigh* so want the clothes) and pretty much passed out by 9. Still coulda used more sleep, BUT I managed to drag my sorry butt out of bed to do the workout thingy I'd recorded. OMG I'm outta shape! I did the 10 min of warm up/cardio, and didn't go overboard on that, but was pooped... I did a little bit of the ab stuff, and even that was a struggle. ::giggle:: but I forget how much fun it is to exercise around cats... especially kittens. At least I didn't kick them, but almost rolled over on one of them while he was playing with my shoe lace, then the string on my pants. silly kittens.

THe good news is 1) I did it! and 2) I'm looking at it like a challange- instead of 'I'm too out of shape and can't do it so why bother', it's more like 'I'm sooo not gonna let a silly thing like a sit up defeat me'. So there!

Besides, after stepping on the scale this morning, not exercising is *not* an option... need to get it back down into one-derland again and keep it moving down.

Technorati : health, sparkpeople, weight

Monday Again...

As part of the changing of attitudes, I'm *not* going to say the low weigh in on Friday was short lived. I *am* going to say that the small rise in numbers on the scale is... yeah, it was an over indulgent weekend (I mean really, who *needs* 4 rum & cokes?! Well, apparently me, but still...) but I'm over it.

These next few weeks are gonna be me as the mad sewin'/exercisin'/cleanin' fool. Just not today.

Had to drop the Honey off at the airport this morning. We'd stayed in Phoenix Sat & Sun (heh... got flirted with by the Pres of the SCA... go me). Had to get up around 3:30 this morning to be out and at the airport by 4:30 and for me to head home... getting up that early pretty much guarantee's insomina will hit. And it did. I got about 2 hours of sleep and had to drive about 1.5 hours after that in the super high winds.

I'm wiped. I ended up calling work and letting them know I'd be in around 10 and promptly fell asleep...the kitten sleepy mojo helped alot. LOL! Feeling slightly more human-winds not helping the allergies at all- but it's gonna be an early night, I can tell.

But tomorrow will find me well rested and popping out of bed to join Denise Austin for a round of aerobics on the beach. :) Heck, I may even try out some exercises on my new stability ball tonight... I know, that's just crazy talk, but it could totally happen. :)

Technorati : health, sparkpeople, weight

Danger, Will Robinson!(tm)

Ya know... I knew it would happen, I worried it would happen, then I slipped down that slope going "how did that happen?"

But it's not *too* bad... yet.

Basically my brain (most likely was Veruca) went, 'It's Friday! I'm excited about the low numbers on the scale! Cool! now we can ease up/goof off! Oh! And the honey is home so we can eat nummy (aka bad) food with him!'

And it's been a constant battle all day. I did stop by the bakery to get some nummy pasteries for breakfast tomorrow, and some cookies which I promptly gave away. And the plan is - whatever is left over of the pasteries goes with him on his trip or into work to be given away on Monday.

Then we went to Rocco's for lunch - had the salad/slice lunch deal and we split the slice, so that's not *horrible*, and even though I wanted a cookie, I didn't get one... And needed coffee, but resisted adding an extra flavored creamer...

Think the problem is I'm feeling all satisfied/full from lunch and feeling like 'oh well, there goes the heathly eating and the drop in the scale... yadayadayada...' Basically beating myself up for no reason.

So I'm forgiving myself the indulgence; I didn't over do it and was able to enjoy the time with my honey. The downward trend WILL continue, so I'm puttin' my big girl panties and dealing with it.

Technorati : sparkpeople, weight

Doode!

That was a surprise... stepped on the scale this morning and had to check ... 3 times. It hesitated at 198.5... then settled... on 198.0! ::happy dance::

Although, *I* am hesitant to record it as my weigh in weight... I feel like I haven't earned it or that if I do, it won't last. But then again, I *have* earned it... I've been changing my eating habits, I've been mindful of what I fuel my body with, no I haven't been moving much, but darn it all... I *do* deserve it. And the only thing that's between me and the scale continuing to go down is, well, me. And at this point, NOT getting to and staying at 150, and NOT getting into that dress is NOT an option (thanks for that, Patti!)

To reward myself, I started recording the Denise Austin work out thingies on Lifetime... I lubs the TiVo... starting Tuesday, I'm gonna do my darndest to make it through those workouts!

So I get to hang out at home, enjoy my smoothie & coffee.. hmmm... maybe the next experiment is to make a coffee smoothie... and then head over to the office.

Oooh, and ::happy dance:: my honey comes home today! Granted he leaves again on Monday for 2 weeks, but yay!!! home today!

Technorati : motivation, sparkpeople, wedding, weight

Eeeks!

Ok, so I've got this wedding dress to fit into... and I realized that I've only got 33-ish weeks before the wedding! *breathing* So if I can average about 1# a week, that'll put me at about 167. Wow! How cool with that be!?

Guess this means I need to start stepping up the activity/ exercising... especially since the scale is back up a little again - I blame the beer and the hot bath. both were required after the day I had yesterday.

Technorati : sparkpeople, wedding, weight

How did that happen?

So... was a little overboard on food yesterday, but then the scale settled firmly on 199.5. o_O ok... guess it *was* a good thing to only have cereal last night. Not gonna be too excited about it till I'm at 199.0 or, even better 198.5. but still... yay! I'm gettin' there! :)

Woke up with monster headache, dealing with annoying work type stuff. Making me all cranky & emo, and wanting to have not so good for me stuff. Had the passing thought of 'wish life wasn't so challenging when I'm trying to get my health/nutrition in order'... well, ya know what? Life *is* challenging and there will always be something to throw a wrench in your plans. Like the Chinese curse: "May you live in interesting times."

If life was all tra-la-la happy all the time, imagine how hard it would be to deal with a small disruption like stubbing your toe. OMG it'd be the end of the world. I still remember a quote by a NSD for Mary Kay: The strength of the woman shows in the size of the problem it takes to stop her. Is it getting cancer? Is it a parent dying? Is it a sick child? Is it the cat throwing up? Seems silly to have that last thing in with "big" stuff, but it's all the same if that's all it takes to stop you from reaching your goals.

Technorati : health, motivation, sparkpeople, weight

I is bad...

I actually brought my lunch today, but then realized it'd been in the fridge for over a week, and was kinda scary-not to mention unappetizing. I decided to go get a burrito after my errand at the post office, and came back to the office to find my desk looking like a greeting card exploded on it. Gotta love my co-workers... so much for keeping things low key, eh? Giggle... while I fine that no one had said anything this morning, it's nice that they remembered. :)

So yeah, had big burrito for lunch that has totally blown my calories & what not, I'm gonna have a bit-o-cake to add on to it. Oh well, I'm cutting it, so I can make my piece tiny and give the rest away... mwaahahaha... :)

Technorati : sparkpeople, weight, work

happy day to me...

Has been a good day so far... I managed to sleep in a little, too, despite the Honey's alarm going off at 6 am o_O. I talked to him a bit at that point then, despite the kittens protests, I fell back asleep.

The weather has been beeeuuutiful, and it's been a wonderful low key day (except for the trip to costco... what *was* I thinking?!) While I wish my honey was here to enjoy it with me, it's sorta nice to have this time by myself, ya know? Still want to do a little around the house but think I"m gonna take time to read and then maybe journal a little... was thinking of writing myself a note for next year saying how proud I am of myself for the stuff I"m going to accomplish. It's easy to focus on where I am and how far I have to go on many things, but it's good to look at the positive steps I've taken no matter what. :)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Update: figured out how to actually send an email to myself at a future date... you can do an e-card through Hallmark or one of those and set the delivery date to whenever you want. And there's a site futureme.org that you can type up the email and have it sent up to 12/31/2036... so I"m gonna write myself a letter! I think I'll use both hallmark.com and futureme.org just in case one of them is down for whatever reason. :)

Technorati : health, motivation, orion, projects, sparkpeople, weight

Welcome to the weekend...

*sigh* house is so quiet now... The honey is gone for the week, and shortly after he left for the airport I got a call from him saying he's probably going to be gone for 3 weeks. :/ He'll be home for about 2 days in that time frame. *sigh* Is good and bad, and not sure how I feel about it right now. after being part of a live-in couple for the last year+, it's gonna be interesting readjusting to the almost single living.

Anywho, had nummy dinner last night. Went to Shish Kabab House and had what I refered to as the Lebanese fajita. was sooo nummy, along with the hummus. *sigh* there was a belly dancer too (Thought of you, Patti!) who's been dancing there for quite a while. She's good - some how manages to dance around a small space and not hit people with her veil or her jingles. LOL!

Went to breakfast with friends this morning and then going to an Italian night thingy tonight.

Not sure what I"m gonna do tomorrow for my b-day but it'll be low key. And in the mean time, think I'll go take a nap. Very sore from walking around yesterday at the home show - not used to the walking for one, and then on concrete floors. ow.

Technorati : health, orion, thoughts, weight

Yay for Friday!

I made it... and the scale toyed with 199.5 for a few moments before it settled back on 200, but YAY! Hadn't seen a 1 in front of my weight in quite a while... and I recorded all my food yesterday and had to do a triple take. I was within _all_ of my ranges! How did that happen?!

So I celebrate... with a brownie. ::head desk:: is a tiny one (less than a 2" square), homemade with ooey gooey caramel... and it's for one of the co-workers going away thingy.

Hi, My name is Cleo... short for Cleopatra, Queen of De-Nial. LOL!

Planning on doing lots of walking this afternoon at the home show and having lunch at home so is a small indulgence. :)

Technorati : food, health, sparkpeople, weight

The Dread Captian White Russian

ooh, my honey is the bestest... met me at the door with a nummy (potent!) drink last night, let me vent all over the place about my frustrating day, made dinner, and was an all around sweetie. Only thing was me being totally insecure last night... we were getting... 'snuggly' and I just kept feeling and seeing the mounds of fat all over the place and felt all icky. Like "why would he even find me *remotely* attractive?!" I don't get it. I appreciate it, but don't get it. While it did make me want to curl up and do the whole "don't touch my hideousness", I also felt more determined to get myself in shape so I don't feel like I'd crush him or like a beached whale. A lady in one of my teams has the best signature line: My body is too sexy to be covered by all this fat

Technorati : orion, weight

Ugh

So I caved last night... sort of. We were out shopping, I was hungry, my honey was using my b-day as a "I want to take you out and do special stuff since I won't be here for your b-day" opportunity. So we went to claim jumper. ::hangs head:: There is *nothing* tiny in that place! Andy they don't have nutritional info available, probably because they don't want people to see how badly they're *really* eating! LOL!!! Heck, even though we sat in a 'small' 2-person booth (by their standards), it was actually a normal resturaunt sized booth.

I actually didn't do horribly. I didn't get a nummy beverage that I wanted, and I opted for the chicken quesadilla appetizer and had 1/2 of it, but then he got Mud Pie for dessert (complete with candles). 75% of it is still in the freezer, but OMG nummy.

So all in all I guess it wasn't *too* bad, but since it takes about a day for things to show up on the scale, I need to be dilligent today. I sooo wanna at least see Onderland by my b-day on Sunday. And guess I need to have a little sit down with the honey to explain why it's important to *me* to stay on track and while occasional indulgences are ok, right now isn't the best timing.

Technorati : health, orion, sparkpeople, weight

Better!

Feeling lots better today... basically told myself that I was going to be more rested, refreshed and energetic today than yesterday. I'm sure the nummy dinner and bath helped, too.

I think the healthy-ish habits are kicking in, too... I had a momentary panic this morning getting my lunch ready and realized I had no fresh fruit. Eeks! what will I have for snackies?! (this is amid other stuff like pretzels, chips, chocolate... go me) Then I remembered the watermelon that I had and needed to be eaten... so brought it in to work, cut about 1/4 of it for myself and put the rest out for whomever... It's quite tasty too.

Technorati : health, sparkpeople, weight

Sunday!

Well, I made it through my Friend's wedding mostly ok. I did have 2 beers (they had the decency to have guinness available, I didn't want to be rude! LOL!) and only had 2 bites of cake (OMG... they had the HUGE claim jumper chocolate cake for their wedding cake! That thing is so rich to begin with I couldn't really handle more than 2 bites, so I brought the rest home for my honey.) And I got lots of exercise avoiding my ex, ironcially by spending time with the other ex. LOL!

I weighed in today at 201.5, so all thing considered not too bad - would be a 3# gain if I hadn't been paying attention.

My honey took me to breakfast this morning to do an early celebration for my b-day since he won't be in town for it... was sweet but annoying: he had the waitress bring out a cinnamon roll with a candle in it. *sigh* it was tasty and he had more than 1/2 of it so wasn't too horrible of an indulgence. Then we went to Costco to sign up for the membership... as a bonus for that we got coupons for money off the salad mix stuff and a free rotisarrie chicken... guess what I had for lunch! NUM!!!

Ready to take a nap. I had to have a mini 'physical' done for our insurance policy (long story) and my blood pressure was 102/60. OMG no wonder I'm so tired!

Technorati : life, sparkpeople, thoughts, update, wedding, weight

Just a quick weigh in...

Sort of.

I decided that I want to start having my weigh in days be Monday to keep me on track through the weekend... but considering I'm just starting out, and this weekend is already going to be a challenge, I'm going cut myself a bit-o-slack and weigh in today:

10/1/07 SW: 203.5
10/5/07 CW: 200.0

::does happy dance::

And that was a 'solid' weight... no fluctuations on the scale.

Had a little talk with Veruca this morning and we both agreed that it was reason to celebrate, but not by eating everything in site... that we celebrate our journey to hotness by keeping on track and maybe treating ourselves to a nice walk this weekend.

Technorati : brat, sparkpeople, weight

Apparently I did pass...

So after all the stuff yesterday, eating out at lunch and then having the unplanned eating out last (got a call from a friend who was in town so we opted to go have drinks & dinner with him) I *still* saw a drop in the scale. A really good drop! So either it's my body freaking out or I'm really on the right track... I'm choosing option B. :)

Was proud of myself last night - went to village inn, and I got a salad instead of fries and had the grilled chicken portobello sandwich and only had 1/2 the bun it came on. VI is not my favorite place at all, but the meal was actually tasty. And I only had about 1/2-3/4 of my drink and gave the rest to my honey. Needed it, but decided to enjoy a little and give the rest away.

Tonight, however, I'm planning on going to happy hour, and just got notice that other friends who are back in town briefly, all want to get together and go to IHOP for dinner... ::grumble:: I know I can't shut myself off from stuff like this forever, but OMG does it all have to hit at once?!

must spend a few minutes thinking about my game plan before making decisions.

Technorati : life, sparkpeople, weight

Did I pass the test yet?!

Oy! What a challenging day... lunch went ok - I stuck with my plan of what i was going to eat and feel pretty good... still haven't finished my snackies but that's ok since I'm over on my calories for the day anyway. But then I got a call that they needed even *more* loan documentation and I had an internal fit worrying that they're going to say "ummm... nevermind" with the refinancing. If that's the case, we're SOL.

Lots of phone tag ensued.

All this time I'm looking at the popcorn ball one of my boss folks brought me thinking "OMG want it!" but haven't given in... luckily my Honey stopped by to get the documents needed and I gave it to him. Only to find some almond M & M's sitting on my desk. WTF!?!

High stress/emo + lots of not so good snackies = BIG TEST... erg... am I passing yet?

Trying to remind Vercua that stress burns more calories than ice cream... she's not entirely convinced. :/

Technorati : brat, life, orion, weight

Cuz *I* deserve it!

Had an interesting morning... It's Cranky Wednesday(tm) and my Inner Brat, Veruca, decided to show up. I didn't get much sleep last night so extra tired today, and while getting myself, breakfast and lunch ready I was thinking about this weekend and the whole "gee, hope I don't blow it" popped into my head. And then Veruca chimed in with things like "I'm tired of measuring the amount of cream we put in the coffee... and sheesh... weighing the turkey for the sammich? Such a pain... why do we have to do this?! Ooh, maybe we can have some ice cream for dessert tonight! We've been good, we deserve it!"

I had a momentary lapse and it really seemed like a good idea... then I realized that it's only my 3rd day into this venture and I was going to cave already?!?!

I don't think so.

I started to think about what I *really* deserve, and what that means... I could go into the whole Manifest Destiny thing and how this country was created by people who felt the 'deserved' everything they saw, no matter what.... but I won't.

But I did look up what "deserve" means: Merit, be worthy of, ought to have, earn, warrant, justify. Talk about contradictory meanings!

I do know that I do deserve to be strong of body, mind and spirit. I deserve to be healthy. I deserve to have a long, full life. I deserve to put healthy, nutritious fuel into my body. My honey deserves to have a happy, healthy, sexy partner, and *I* DESERVE to be that person...not to mention I deserve to look hot in my wedding dress in 8 months.

Veruca liked that last bit. And even suggested that we work really hard toward that last goal so maybe we can go shopping because the dress we have will be too big... I can totally get on board with that. :)

Technorati : life, orion, sparkpeople, update, wedding, weight